P90X

Back in the day, about 20 years ago, I used to work out a lot. I'd go to the gym five days a week, working out about three hours each day. I was trying to be a working actor at the time. My body was my product. My acting talent the other. So, like any other businessman, I spent a lot of time making my product the best it could be.

While spending so many hours in the gym, I was fortunate to have met and learned from a lot of professional body builders. Some of them where on steroids, while others were not. You could tell the difference. It wasn't subtle. However, they all had insight into proper work out techniques... not only in what exercises to work on, but in what order. The goal was to create muscle confusion.

What is muscle confusion? Well, God has made us with exceptional adaptive skills. It's what has allowed our species to have survived all this time. The more we do something with our body, the more the body becomes accustomed to it. We become more efficient, the work less stressful. Our muscles first grow, then adapt.

This is problematic when you're trying to get in shape or build muscle mass. You eventually reach this plateau where you no longer see results.


Overcoming this standard problem is the genius behind P90X. Tony Horton has put together a wonderful, tough and comprehensive workout program that does a few things very well...

First, it breaks down the exercises into bite sized morsels. Each exercise usually lasts under one minute. As he says in the exercise program, "You can do anything for 60 seconds!"

Second, it's always challenging. He shows you numerous ways to do the same exercise, depending on your strength level. So, no matter where you are strength wise, it remains applicable. And that goes the other way too... after finishing the 90 day plan, I still couldn't do what the advanced people could do.

Third, the DVDs are very well designed. You can use the same DVDs in various ways... with Tony talking you through it, with music and pointers only, with music only, with nothing. So, you don't get bored with the DVD because you've heard the same thing over and over again. After a few weeks, you'll use the music with pointers option the most. Keeps it fresh.

Fourth, Tony's entertaining. You'd think that it would be difficult to listen to the same guy say basically the same thing day after day, but Tony is an entertaining guy. And he pushes you to do better, but never more than you are capable. His phrase "do your best and forget the rest" is a welcomed reminder as the workouts push you.

Fifth, it's brilliantly designed. The workout DVDs are broken up into specific sections (Chest & Back one day, Plyometrics the next, Shoulders & Arms the next, etc.). You're always working more than one muscle group and you'll switch between the two. On Chest & Back, for example, you'll do mostly push-ups and pull-ups. But there are about 10 different types of push-ups and about six different types of pull-ups, and he mixes them up so you're not doing only push-ups and then only pull-ups.

You do a series of DVDs covering your entire body for three weeks, then you have a rest week where you do non-impact/non-heavy lifting exercises like kick boxing or stretching. The second month you start an entirely different set of DVDs which work the same areas, but in different combinations and using different exercises... which is what keeps your muscles confused, so you never reach the plateau.

After another rest week, on the last month you do a combination of all of the DVDs in different orders again. Again, to keep your muscles from getting complacent.

The results have been great. It was the only exercise program my wife has ever completed. Six days a week for three months, she and I did the exercises. In order to make sure we never gave up, we promised to do at least one rep of every exercise, no matter how tired.

It is amazing how much stronger and healthier we are. We've both lost inches and gained muscle. I've lost about three inches in my waist, my wife much more.

After a break where we had to deal with the air-condition being replaced, collapsing bathroom walls and the start of baseball, we've worked P90X back into our schedule. This time the kids are involved to...

I never thought I'd see my wife and kids working out with me at the same time, all lifting weights, all doing push-ups, all doing kick boxing. It's a very cool thing.

Granted, after two surgeries and 20 years, I'll never have the body I had when I was an actor, but I have not felt this healthy in over a decade. P90X is one of the most amazing workout programs I've ever done. It does all the right exercises in the right form in the right combination in a way that makes you want to complete it. As we like to say in our house, it is evil genius. Genius in it's design, evil in the amount of work it expects you to complete.

We've now made it part of our daily lives. We want to keep what we've built up and perhaps even get stronger and healthier. At this point in our lives, waiting to start tomorrow isn't really an option. We're not going to be any healthier tomorrow than we are today.

Thankfully, Dea saw the infomercial and was inspired to buy the program. It has changed all of our lives for the better.

Swine Flu Map

Wanna see where all of the cases of Swine Flu have been reported around the world? Click on the Google Map below to find out.

Stay healthy!

Life, Liberty and the... I'm sorry, what was the first part?

My daughter and I were discussing our country and the idea of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

It's no fluke that Life is the first on the list... the most important, the most fundamental to our existence. Granted, when the country was founded there was some question as to the Liberty part... women could not vote, slavery was common place. But Life... well, that was a given right to all.

Or is it?

Fortunately, over the centuries our country has dealt with the unfulfilled aspects of national Liberty. Women were given the right to vote and work. Minorities were allowed to have equal civil rights and slavery was abolished. These growing pains of our nation were not easy, but necessary.

And, as it turns out, the growth in Liberty appears to have destroyed the first and third parts of the equation for others. When you look at the overall evolution of this country, only one segment of society has lost their three rights.

The unborn.

It seems odd that by rightfully expanded the role of ALL people in our society that it has, in turn, taken away the most first fundamental right to us all, Life, from the most vulnerable within our society.

Must our society be so?

Is that the cost of Life and Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness? Does that mean I am allowed to dismiss those three rights from others in order to achieve them myself?

If my Life and my Liberty and my Pursuit of Happiness means I kill a child in the womb and destroy their Life, their Liberty and their Pursuit of Happiness... is that okay?

Is that what the founders intended? I'm sure it's not.

It seems that Liberty is a two-edged sword, with the sharp blade held at the throats in the womb of the most innocent and helpless of our society. How did a country that so obviously recognized the evil of slavery embrace what is so obviously a more horrendous evil in abortion?

When did the second part of the equation erase the first and negate the third?

America the Lost

There was a time in our country, about two generations ago, where there was a universal understanding that it was our responsibility to sacrifice, if necessary, so that the next generation would have a better life than our own.

For years I've been bemoaning on this blog about the increasing lack of understanding for the need of sacrifice. We've lost that. We've moved from "short term pain for long term gain" to a sense of entitlement.

We have lost our soul as a country. We have lost our identity.

Once, we were the hardest workers. The smartest minds. The land of great and real opportunity. The place where we were promised life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness.

We have now turned into the land of outsources workers, imported minds and a land of growing and expected entitlement. We have twisted the pursuit of happiness into a guaranteed, albeit lower, quality of life.

Worst of all, we, for the first time, have turned into a country where we are willing to sacrifice the quality of the future generations for the comforts of our own.

Case and point, the ominous "stimulus package."

First, you could easily argue that it's 1% stimulus and 99% other government spending, but be that as it may, the reality is this. To spend $900 billion, we have to do two things... we need to print more money and we need people to loan us the money.

Problem 1: The primary countries providing our loans are China and Russia.

Read that again. China and Russia.

China, the communist country which has mandated a family has one child and has one of the worst human rights records in the world. Russia, which is quickly returning to its Stalinist past with fewer freedoms and growing governmental control over their people. They are not democracies. They do not share our values. For the past century they have been our enemies.

Now, however, thanks to our own selfishness, these two countries, figuratively and literally, OWN US!

Problem 2: In these rough economic times, if China and Russia stop buying our money, then we'll have to borrow against ourselves. Which will raise inflation and/or interest rates. Which means, in very quick order a $900 billion debt turns into a $2 trillion debt.

We are basically taking out a massive national loan with a variable interest rate. That's the SAME approach that got us in the economic mess IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Sadly, these two problems are not the biggest issue at hand. No, the worst of it is this... we have become so selfish, so adverse to sacrifice, that we are willing to borrow our children, grand children and great-grand children's future. We are willing take out of their mouths, their wallets, and their quality of life to prop up our own padded lifestyle.

America the Great is quickly turning into America the Lost.

What will America look like when Russia and China demand we pay them back? What influence will that afford them in our policies, in our trade agreements, in our ability to defend ourselves?

What will America look like when our government is unable to provide quality anything to our great grandchildren because they're still paying down the debt we gave them so we could keep our two cars, our large homes, our 400 channels of cable, our broadband internet, our meals out, etc.?

Fortunately, I will not be around to see it.

When America falls or is morphed into something unrecognizable, it will not be by some great military attack. Instead, like the Grand Canyon, it will be because of the slow and steady erosion of morals and principles to the bedrock of this nation.

America will die from within because our generation, soon to be known as the Selfish Generation, was the first to think of themselves before their children.

FOCA - My Letter to My Senators

Here's a letter I sent to my Senators regarding the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA). Feel free to use any or all of it in your communications with your Senators and other Representatives.

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Dear Senator,

I am writing you to urge you to vote AGAINST the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA). For me FOCA has three important problems.

1) Our founding fathers stated clearly that we are guaranteed Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Notice that Life comes first and to make the destroying of Life a right is in direct conflict with the founding principles of this country.

2) FOCA strips away the state’s ability to govern itself. It silences and disenfranchises the unique democratic voices of the people in each state to determine how they want their local and state governments to approach such a sensitive issue.

3) Most importantly, enacting the FOCA will leave the Catholic Church with no choice but to close ALL of its Hospitals nationwide, as providing abortions is in direct conflict with its moral teachings.

Besides the catastrophic economic impact such closures would obviously create, there is a more important concern you should consider.

In a time where health care of your constituents is so problematic, are you willing to vote for FOCA at the expense of the health and well-being of your own people? Could a vote for FOCA be in the best interest of your people knowing that such a vote would eliminate multiple, critical non-abortion health care options made available at Catholic hospitals in your state?

Polls show your people, the people who put you into office, do not subscribe to the wide reaching and relatively unfettered abortion that FOCA would federally mandate.

Voting for FOCA is not only in direct opposition to the will of your constituents, but in direct opposition to their well being and critical health care options.

Please reply to my request with the statement that you will vote AGAINST FOCA.

Thank you for your service and for your time on this matter.

Sincerely,

Pete Bauer

****

Don't know if it will make a difference, but I have to try.

Post Thanksgiving Blows

I'm a night person. It's the way God made me.

When given more than two days in a row off from work, my body immediately leaps back into my late-night mode. Thanksgiving weekend was no different. I reveled in post-midnight movie watching and pre-brunch sleeping patterns.

I am feeling the pain today, however. This morning I was forced to pry myself out of bed at 5:15 a.m. in order to get my daughter to school on time. Having gone to bed at midnight didn't help. Having acquired my wife's new cold didn't help. Having awakened numerous times during the night didn't help.

How bad is it? I just bought a Mountain Dew. Before 8 a.m.

That's a bad sign. That's always a bad sign.

What I Am Thankful For...

Things will get busy over the next few days, so I thought I'd take a moment now to offer up what I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful for...

• My faith - It has grown and evolved to depths I never knew could exist within me. I still have such a long way to go, but the journey has been wonderful.
• The Sacraments - The more I understand my faith the more I appreciate the divine made available to us via the Sacraments. They are God's never-ending gifts that inspire us to greater lives.
• My family - My wife and children are the center of my earthly universe and they, along with my extended family, show me God's love every single day. What a blessing to have so much love from so many people.
• My mother - She is so strong, so independent, so funny and so spiritual. She is an inspiration to me.
• My faith community - We are so blessed at our church to have close friendships with a very large number of faithful, learning, humble Catholics who do their best to understand and live their faith everyday. We are all on our own faith journeys and together, we give each other strength and guidance during trying times.
• My job - I have always worked hard not to take my employment for granted. Every morning I thank God for allowing me to have an income and health insurance. Even when there were times where it was hard or difficult or unfulfilling... it is and always will be a gift and I do my best to treat it as such.
• Making movies - I am so thankful the Lord has allowed me to use the gifts he has given me to praise his name in such little ways like Club God and Purgatory, USA. I feel like I am finally fulfilling my responsibilities as part of the greater Body of Christ.
  
• My home town - I love living in Safety Harbor. It's like a small town in the middle of a big city. The people are nice, everything is in walking distance and the families we've met through Little League are top notch.
• And most of all... God's mercy - I am such a broken man... I am the definition of imperfection in light of God's true perfection. I have so many flaws, so many repeatable moments of weakness and lack of holiness. I don't nor will I ever deserve God's mercy, yet He continues to provide it. This humbles me to no end.

These are some of the things for which I am most thankful.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe and blessed Thanksgiving weekend.

Dear Anonymous

I realized something this weekend.

I've been blogging here for over three years now, putting my thoughts down, my feelings and my theories covering subjects from illness to faith to the various stupid things I do.

Recently, when I've stated some thoughts I had about Obama or the election or faith and politics, I've received some very interesting feedback in the comments section... good feedback, thought-provoking feedback, usually in opposition of my stance, but worthy of discussion, none-the-less.

However, almost all of these differing views are inputted by the vague and faceless person called Anonymous. Either the person(s) didn't want to sign up for a blogspot login or didn't want to put their real name at the bottom of the comment or they simply forgot to sign their name... whatever the reason, their viewpoint is "personless." And, in my mind, valueless.

So, from now on I'm going to ignore any comment(s) left by Anonymous based simply on the fact that my ideas have a name and a face and yours do not. As a matter of fact, I'm going to delete all future Anonymous comments left on my blog.

Hey, if you want to disagree with me, awesome! I love a good debate. That's the way my father raised me. But, if you're not willing to attach your real name to your comment, then I can only surmise that you don't really feel that strongly about it and it's not worth reading.

So, Anonymous, where ever you are, feel free to stop by and read all you want. But, if you want to participate, at least have the courage to put your real name to it.

Otherwise, don't let the virtual door hit you on your way back out to the internet.

What If I Played Golf...

From my Sonlight Pictures Blog...

****

My father loved golf. Loved it. As far back as I can remember, my father watched, talked and played golf. Even into his 80’s and struggling with Parkinson’s, he would be eager to show you the latest adjustments to his golf swing. It was his personal passion.

When I was in high school I realized that I really wanted to be an actor. Ever since I was nine years old I wanted to make movies and after getting a taste of the theater at Northeast High, I realized this was my calling.

My father struggled with that idea. Big time. He had an accounting background. My older brothers and sisters were accountants, teachers, managers, analytical chemists, etc. And I wanted to be an actor?????

My family didn’t get it. For my Dad, it simply did not compute.

In my father’s mind, he didn’t want me to make any grave mistakes that would put my future in jeopardy by being an actor. For him, acting wasn’t a career, it was a hobby. It wasn’t a “real” job. It was frivolous at best and irresponsible at worst.

Then he went to the golf course.

He hit a couple of buckets of balls and, on the drive home, was worried about my passion for acting. “Why acting? Why not something normal?” He asked himself. “Hec, if Peter would want to play golf, I could support that!”

A moment later he stopped and asked himself “Why is being a golfer any more valid than being an actor? Why is being an accountant any more valid than being an actor? Just because I think don’t think it’s right doesn’t mean it’s not right for him.”

By the time he got home he had come to terms with my passion. And he supported me completely from that day forward. Instead of fighting me on it, he started to ask questions, to inquire, to learn. He started to watch television shows with a more critical eye and we would discuss what made it a success or failure.

Because my father had a change of heart, it opened up our relationship and took us down paths we never would have experienced otherwise. He once told me that my performance in Broadway Bound at the Hippodrome in Gainesville was one of the most touching moments of his life. He learned to love me for the gifts God had given me instead of trying to force me down a pragmatic path he had envisioned. He attended almost all of my productions and, with every visit backstage, his face beamed, his eyes filled with tears and he would embrace me with a long and heartfelt hug. There was no greater feeling, no applause, no review, no paycheck that even came close to those affirming hugs given to me by my father.

Now, with Sonlight Pictures, I think back to his drive home from the golf course and wonder. What if I had played golf? What if I followed his dream for me instead of God’s plan for me? Where would my path have lead?

When I started Sonlight Pictures, after substantial prayer and discernment, I realized that all of my experiences in my life had been in preparation for this vocation. God gave me these creative passions. Those are my unique gifts, my unique attributes as the greater body of Christ. My acting experience, my behind-the-scenes television experience, my real world project management experience, my health challenges, my faith journey… all have been in preparation for this effort, Sonlight Pictures.

I am just grateful that my father recognized the unique talents that God had given me… and they weren’t accounting and chemistry and teaching… it was acting, writing and directing. And I am even more grateful that he had the wisdom and trust in the Lord to let me follow what God had inspired in me over what he thought I should do with my life.

My father trusted in the Lord with his youngest child and that trust has allowed me to grow beyond my aspirations.

Some twenty-five years later, I look back and think, “Thank goodnes I never liked to play golf.”

I Need a Nap

There are days where having Crohns for 19 years really starts to show itself. My son is in Little League All-Stars and during practices I will pitch 100 or so pitches, run the bases in drills, etc. By the end of the three hour practice, I'm exhausted.

Granted, that may be more due to the fact that I'm older and less athletic than in my youth, but the aches and pains I feel for days afterwards are more a symptom of years of my chronic illness.

Crohns not only effects your intestines, but your joints. And the medicines I had to take for a decade decreased my bone density. To quote Indiana Jones, "It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage." I may be chronologically 42, my body is really a good ten years older than that.

It is very frustrating. And it concerns me as to what sort of life that lays before me. If aggressive activity is problematic now, what will my quality of life be in 10 years or 20?

It's not going to be pretty. And it can be pretty depressing.

I just gotta keep on moving and hopefully my body will be able to keep up.

A Father's Voice

My father has been going through health issues lately. And when you're 83, any health issue can turn into a big, scary health issue. As my father struggled with various ailments over the past week, I prayed and asked God to heal him and, more importantly, let His will be done.

As his health steadily improved I was finally able to talk to my father on the phone yesterday. I was surprised to find myself overwhelmed with emotion. It wasn't until after I hung up the phone that I finally understood what my tears had meant... hearing my father's voice was so special because I was unsure if I would ever get a chance to hear it again.

Hearing my father's voice was suddenly the greatest gift. To hear him tell me he loves me and he is proud of me... well, what son doesn't find those words elevating and inspiring?

And today on the way to work I thought how much greater will my emotions be when I hear God's voice again after I pass.

I know He loves me as well. I only hope He finds pride in what I have done here too.

Life Changes

Once crossing over 40 I realized I had to decide how I wanted to grow older. Gone are the days where your body forgives your every sin. After seeing my weight slowly escalate every doctor visit over the past year I decided to make some changes which, collectively, have made a great impact.

The first and most effective change I made was to no longer eat anywhere that has a drive-thru window. It is AMAZING how much better I felt within a week of giving up fast food.

• I gave up caffeine.
• I drink about 1 1/2 Qt of water a day.
• I drink V8 everyday.
• I drink fat free milk.
• Limit my portions involving cheese.
• I take vitamins.
• I eat more fiber.
• I've almost eliminated red meat, focusing more on chicken, turkey and fish.
• I eat more protein and less carbs.
• I floss every night.
• I exercise at least 3 days a week.
• I limit my portions of sweets far more drastically than ever before.
• Pretty much eliminated chips and pizza from my diet.

My previous health issues have already damaged my long-term health, so I need to do my best to take care of what I have left. So far, these changes have been great. I feel a million times better. And, surprisingly, making these changes wasn't that difficult. As Bob J. said, "it just becomes more important than anything else."

And he's right.

More "Unwanted" Babies Since Roe v. Wade

From the Wall Street Journal, it appears that since the ruling on Roe v. Wade, illegitimacy has risen dramatically.

Here's a section from the article titled "It's Not Enough to be 'Wanted'" by John R. Lott, Jr.:

...One often misunderstood fact: Legal abortions just didn't start with Roe, or even with the five states that liberalized abortion laws in 1969 and 1970. Prior to Roe, women could have abortions when their lives or health were endangered. Doctors in some states, such as Kansas, had very liberal interpretations of what constituted danger to health. Nevertheless, Roe did substantially increase abortions, more than doubling the rate per live birth in the five years from 1972 to 1977. But many other changes occurred at the same time:

• A sharp increase in pre-marital sex.

• A sharp rise in out-of-wedlock births.

• A drop in the number of children placed for adoption.

• A decline in marriages that occur after the woman is pregnant.

You can read the rest of the article HERE...

And What of Lazarus?

"And What of Lazarus?" is actually the title of an old Star Trek episode that was on television a few days ago, but it seemed fitting this weekend as well. At mass on Sunday they had the RCIA group there so they read from the alternate readings, the Gospel of which was the story of Jesus bringing Lazarus back to life. As I listened and read from the Gospel, the title of the Star Trek episode popped into my mind. In John 11:3-4 Jesus hears of Lazarus' declining health...

So the sisters sent word to him, saying, "Master, the one you love is ill."

When Jesus heard this he said, "This illness is not to end in death, but is for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it."

And for the first time I thought of Lazarus. What about his declining health, his pain, his suffering, his angst, his weakness. Even though he was to be raised from the dead "for the glory of God" he still had to endure the illness and death.

And it occurred to me that we too may be asked to suffer, to face challenges, to face turmoil for the glory of God. If such a fate was acceptable to Lazarus, someone whom Jesus knew and loved to the point of weeping at his death, then should we not be surprised if we are expected to face our own challenges for our faith?

Over and over again in the bible people are healed due to their faith, but it never means they did not have to suffer prior to that miraculous moment.

Just a thought...

Remicade... Yeah!

I had my Remicade infusion Wednesday. Thank God for that! I usually start to feel better by the end of the treatment and, in about a week, should be back to full strength.

Better living through chemistry!

Crohns Visits Again

Well, I'm two weeks out from my next Remicade treatment and my Crohns is starting to flare up. It's amazing to think that I lived in this flared up state for years, with no hope in sight of it getting any better. But, with the miracle of Remicade, I get continued respite every three months.

The last two weeks are usually the least pleasant. Add my Crohns to my wife overcoming a flu and two eye infections... well it's been a lot of fun in our house!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Remicade

Not much today... I'm getting my quarterly remicade treatment today. Thank God for this medicine. Its given my life back.

Purification? Spiritual Realignment? I Wish I Knew

I've been doing a lot more thinking of suffering lately. Not because I've had to endure my own intense suffering, but I've had enough personal experience that the weight of suffering never quite leaves me. As you all know, I've been dealing with Crohns Disease since 1989. It's funny because, since I've had it for so many years, I can't really remember not having the disease. Sad, but true.

Most of my time with the disease has been unpleasant. When people ask me if I would want to go back and change any part of my life (other than my health), my first thought was "how bad was my Crohns then?" I've had to endure too much to really want to face it all again, so, I never long to go back and relive any part of my life. Its only since the advent of Remicade a few years ago that any sort of normality has come into play.

As I was in Mass Sunday, I felt a great sense of vulnerability for some reason. I don't really know why. My thoughts quickly traveled to the health issues facing both my father (Parkinson's) and my father-in-law (diabetes). Unless there is a miracle, I don't see their health getting substantially better between now and when the Lord finally calls them home.

So, why would God allow such pain, suffering, doubt, feelings of being a burden, feelings of helplessness? I was reminded of some of the things Mother Angelica said (I had just finished the book about her life and the creation of EWTN). One of Mother Angelica's takes on her numerous sufferings is that they are there to make her solely dependent on God.

That made sense to me.

Suffering strips away wants and goals and makes us live in the moment. If the suffering is hard enough or lasts long enough, you eventually succumb to the Lord. I know I did many years ago when my health was nearing the end of a constant three year decline. I was at a friend's daughter's first communion and I gave into the Lord, telling him of my fears and my frailty and just said "Whatever you want to do with me is fine." At that moment my fear of the disease, which had unknowingly consumed me, evaporated. Soon thereafter Remicade was made available.

So, perhaps so many people suffer during the last phase of their lives in order to prepare them for the next life... to remove everything but the Lord, to make us totally dependent on the Lord. In that way, if that is the end result, then such suffering is really a gift because, when we pass on, if the Lord is not our number one priority, then we are not focused in the right place.

Suffering is not easy. It is exhausting and humbling and can quickly eat away at your self worth. But, it does make everything else but God less important. And it does make you cherish all of the little things in life. The touch of your wife's hand. The comfort you feel when you look into her eyes. The heart trembling effect of the hug from one of your children.

Most of all it makes you realize how little control you have in your life. And, you turn to the only one with real control, God Almighty.

It also makes me think of the recent religious education one of the priests offered at our church. In speaking of purgatory he mentioned that it is there for purification. So few people (saints), when they die are purified enough to immediately stand in the presence of the Almighty. Purgatory is where our souls are purified so we can eventually stand in that presence.

Perhaps that is similar to human suffering here on earth. Perhaps it is there for purification, to realign our souls with God by taking away all of the things that we deem important and allowing us to focus on the only real thing that is important in the next life.

I don't know. I'm not the only one who has tried to understand suffering. But, every once and a while these thoughts do creep into my mind and make me wonder.

I keep asking questions, knowing that someday, perhaps after I've passed on, that I'll get the answers.

Healing Mass

Friday evening Dea, Gabe and I (DC was at a sleep over) went to a wonderful healing mass and it was a magical experience. The church was packed and the priest, a Father Richard McLean from Ave Maria College in Naples, held the Mass. There were so many people there all with their own varying levels of illness. I felt so undeserving of healing, when I looked at the obvious struggles of the fellow church-goers around me. I was overwhelmed with a sense of humility and gratitude for my family and my faith.

As I prayed during Mass I remembered reading about how some people were healed by asking for the intercession of our late Pope, John Paul II. He had Parkinson's disease and had already reportedly healed others. So, I asked JP2 to intercede on behalf of my father, suffering from Parkinson's, my father-in-law, suffering from diabetes, for my brother, suffering from Crohns, and for myself, also suffering from Crohns. I also prayed for my wife and my friend, Kyme.

After Mass concluded they brought out the Eucharist for Adoration and Father McLean walked it slowly around each section of the church, making the sign of the cross and blessing us all. After the Adoration, each row went up to the front of the church and Father would bless us with oil. Some people were slain in the Spirit, which means they would fall back (caught by volunteers and laid gently on the floor). My son was caught off guard by this sight. He had never seen people "faint" like that in church before. The last time I had seen it in person was when I was just a few years older than my son.

In the 1970's my parents got involved in the charismatic renewal, where people were slain in the Spirit, would fall to the ground or be given the gift of Tongues. It is a shocking sight to see first hand, but memorable. In a funny side story, when I relayed the events of the healing Mass to my mom over the phone and we spoke about those charismatic renewal days... she said she was always reluctant to be slain in the Spirit because she was afraid her false teeth would fall out! I could only imagine God in Heaven saying "Her free will is afraid of what???? I can't give her the gift of the Spirit because she's afraid of her teeth? Are you kidding me????"

As Dea, Gabe and I walked up to the front of the church, Gabe's eyes were fixed on the people laying peacefully on the floor. "Dad, people fainted, Dad!" Gabe said with caution as we neared our place in line. I comforted him as we finally reached the front.

Behind us people were ready to catch us if we fell. Father McLean hugged Gabe and made him feel comfortable, asking him a lot of questions about himself. Then, he approached me. I stood quietly, emotions welling inside me of the fear and pain and emotional distress of carrying this disease... those feelings you push to the back in order to get through the day had suddenly rushed to the forefront. I kept my eyes closed and my head bowed in reverance. Father McLean put his hand under my chin and pulled my head up, directing me to look him in the eyes. His eyes were so full of sincere compassion and love, it was as if you were looking into the eyes of Jesus himself. As he blessed me and placed the oils on my forehead, the emotional dam inside of me finally broke free. I didn't fall back or faint, but I was truly moved and immediatly comforted by one of the many volunteers.

He next moved to Dea and blessed her as well. Her body jolted and tears flowed from her face. She hugged Father tightly and we then made our way back to our pew. We prayed together quietly and humbly, unworthy of any grace of mercy bestowed upon us that day. We are so imperfect, so... human in our frailties. Any gift from a present God was something He could only give to us, not something we had ever earned.

As we left the church, Dea talked about her experience. She told me that, as she approached the front of the church she was certain she wan't going to faint. "I kept saying to myself 'I'm not going to fall down, I'm not going to faint, I'm not... but when he put the oil on my forehead it wasn't as if I was pushed backwards, but as if something was pulled out of me with such a force that I couldn't help but move. And when he hugged me, it was as if I was hugging Jesus himself... the love was so strong.'"

It was a wonderful experience. As I said before, so many others in that room are more worthy of healing than Dea or I. But, the gift of healing is not something we control, only something we can ask for.

Personally, I have complete faith in the Lord's ability to heal me. Afterall, he's God. I asked Him to heal me, but above all else I asked Him that His will be done. Perhaps I'm not supposed to be healed. Or perhaps I am. I don't really know and I don't have any control over it. I just humbly prayed and asked for His decision above all else. He knows, in the grand scheme of my life, if healing me will lead me down a path He wants me to take or not. So, if it happens, it happens and I won't be surprised. If it doesn't happen, it won't and I won't be surprised. I am content with whatever decision He has made for me and my family that day.

So, am I healed? Well, I won't really know for a few months, as it will take that time for my latest infusion of Remicade to wear off. Healing or no, I have a new found peace in my life, in my heart. And that, in and of itself, is a small gift, a small miracle. Would I love to never worry about Crohn's for the rest of my life?

Absolutely.

Will I ever have to worry about Crohns again?

I'll let you know when I know.

On The Mend

I think I've finally turned the corner on this terrible flu. My wife, however, seems to be feeling the brunt of it now.

I can't wait to get back into life again. I've missed church last week, I've missed two classes on Catholicism, I've had three Netflix flix waiting to be watched... it has sucked.