Check it out. BTW - I pasted my Simpsonized version of myself on my old pic and filled in the missing pieces in the background to make it match.
Before and After
Friday, August 03, 2007
Simpsonize Yourself
If you go to Simpsonizeme.com you can upload a 640 x 480 pixel picture of yourself and it will analyze it and create a Simpsonized version of yourself you can then further manipulate with hair changes, scars, glasses, clothes, etc.
Check it out. BTW - I pasted my Simpsonized version of myself on my old pic and filled in the missing pieces in the background to make it match.
Check it out. BTW - I pasted my Simpsonized version of myself on my old pic and filled in the missing pieces in the background to make it match.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Forgiven First Draft Completed
The first draft of the edgy short Christian film called Forgiven has been completed. The 30 page (which equals 30 minutes) script was finally completed today. I didn't want the film to exceed 30 minutes, so I was happy to wrap it up in 30 pages.
I'll be honest, the writing of this short has been exceedingly challenging. The story went through numerous starts and stops, rewrites, re-imagining, re-creation, etc. But, the end result is very close to my original intent. I kept praying the entire time, hoping that my words were somehow fulfilling God's will. Only time will tell.
I'm hoping this film will not only set the tone for future Sonlight Pictures projects, but also could be used to fund our four feature films we have planned, two of which have been completely written and another two which are in development.
There will be a couple of small rewrites in this scripts future... all scripts are rewritten, tightened, made better. So, now I am going to start the process of formulating a production team, find a location and determine casting goals.
I'll be honest, the writing of this short has been exceedingly challenging. The story went through numerous starts and stops, rewrites, re-imagining, re-creation, etc. But, the end result is very close to my original intent. I kept praying the entire time, hoping that my words were somehow fulfilling God's will. Only time will tell.I'm hoping this film will not only set the tone for future Sonlight Pictures projects, but also could be used to fund our four feature films we have planned, two of which have been completely written and another two which are in development.
There will be a couple of small rewrites in this scripts future... all scripts are rewritten, tightened, made better. So, now I am going to start the process of formulating a production team, find a location and determine casting goals.
Hot Fuzz (2007)
Hot Fuzz is a hilarious movie. For anyone who grew up in the 80's watching action movies such as Lethal Weapon, Bad Boys or Point Break, you'll love this film. Hot Fuzz is directed by Edgar Wright and co-written by Wright and lead actor Simon Pegg, the same team that brought the humorous take on the zombie flick called Shaun of the Dead.
The story revolves around a London super cop, Nick Angel (Pegg), who's so good that he's making the rest of the department look bad. He's shipped off to the crime-free village of Sandford where he is partnered with simpleton, yet overeager police officer, Danny Butterman, played wonderfully by Nick Frost. As a series of grisly accidents rocks the village, Angel is convinced that Sandford is not what it seems.
What is amazing about this film is that it starts out as a complete parody of 80's action films and then ends up actually being an 80's action film. I haven't laughed this hard during a movie in a very long time. There is time after time that the film subtlety makes fun at ultra-macho action films, then a moment later pays homage to them at the same time. It takes shot at the cop buddy movies then becomes a cop buddy movie. It is a delicate, yet extremely satisfying combination.
When the simple Butterman finds out Angel's super career achievements he asks naive, yet very funny questions based on Butterman's only exposure to super cops... Hollywood action flicks. He asks "Have you ever shot a gun diving through the air?" "Have you ever shot two guns diving through the air?" "Have you ever shot your gun straight up in the air while screaming because you couldn't kill a criminal that ended up being someone you knew?" And Pegg's portrayal of Angel as a massively serious crime fighter only adds to the fun, layering in a fish-out-of-water element as Angel tries to fit into life in a small rural town.
The movie has some surprisingly violent acts, catapulting the film to an R rating, but the violence actually ends up heightening the emotion, thereby making the humor that much more effective. There's also enough adult language sprinkled in to validate the R rating, but it fits in line with the style of the film.
For the last half hour of this film my wife and I didn't stop laughing once. If you are a fan of any of the Lethal Weapon movies, or Bad Boys movies or Arnold S. action flicks, you will enjoy this film. I'm surprised this film didn't do better at the box office because it is one of the most original and funny movies released in years. Hot Fuzz is great fun.
The story revolves around a London super cop, Nick Angel (Pegg), who's so good that he's making the rest of the department look bad. He's shipped off to the crime-free village of Sandford where he is partnered with simpleton, yet overeager police officer, Danny Butterman, played wonderfully by Nick Frost. As a series of grisly accidents rocks the village, Angel is convinced that Sandford is not what it seems.What is amazing about this film is that it starts out as a complete parody of 80's action films and then ends up actually being an 80's action film. I haven't laughed this hard during a movie in a very long time. There is time after time that the film subtlety makes fun at ultra-macho action films, then a moment later pays homage to them at the same time. It takes shot at the cop buddy movies then becomes a cop buddy movie. It is a delicate, yet extremely satisfying combination.
When the simple Butterman finds out Angel's super career achievements he asks naive, yet very funny questions based on Butterman's only exposure to super cops... Hollywood action flicks. He asks "Have you ever shot a gun diving through the air?" "Have you ever shot two guns diving through the air?" "Have you ever shot your gun straight up in the air while screaming because you couldn't kill a criminal that ended up being someone you knew?" And Pegg's portrayal of Angel as a massively serious crime fighter only adds to the fun, layering in a fish-out-of-water element as Angel tries to fit into life in a small rural town.
The movie has some surprisingly violent acts, catapulting the film to an R rating, but the violence actually ends up heightening the emotion, thereby making the humor that much more effective. There's also enough adult language sprinkled in to validate the R rating, but it fits in line with the style of the film.
For the last half hour of this film my wife and I didn't stop laughing once. If you are a fan of any of the Lethal Weapon movies, or Bad Boys movies or Arnold S. action flicks, you will enjoy this film. I'm surprised this film didn't do better at the box office because it is one of the most original and funny movies released in years. Hot Fuzz is great fun.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Global Warming Skit
Okay, here's another one on global warming...
© 2007 Pete Bauer
***********
***********
INT. OFFICE - DAY
THOMAS and ALISON, both young office workers,
sit in their cubes working quietly.
After a moment, Alison pulls at her collar.
ALISON
Is it hot in here?
THOMAS
I didn't notice.
ALISON
You don't feel that? It's
stifling!
THOMAS
No... oh, the air conditioner just
went off.
ALISON
I'm burning up! This is a
catastrophe.
THOMAS
The air will come back on. It's
cyclical. It gets a little cooler
then it gets a little warmer...
it's been happening since we've
been in this building.
ALISON
(accusingly)
What did you do!
THOMAS
What?
ALISON
What did you do to cause this?
THOMAS
Ah... nothing?
ALISON
That's so like you, to act like you
don't have any effect on the rest
of us.
THOMAS
I didn't say that. The air went
off. That's all. It will come
back on.
ALISON
How do you know that!?! You don't
know that! How could you possibly
know that!
THOMAS
Well, I've worked here longer than
you have and-
ALISON
I'm not asking for your opinion,
facts or conjectures. This
discussion is closed!
THOMAS
It is?
ALISON
Yes!
THOMAS
How can you say that when you don't
have all of the information?
ALISON
Like what?
THOMAS
Well, there's a lot of people in
this building. And plants and even
some fish, I think. Plus, the air
conditioner is a very complex
instrument. There are a lot of
variables in play. Just because
it's one degree hotter in here
doesn't mean it's not normal.
ALISON
Then you agree, it is hotter in
here! We're all doomed! We have
to mobilize. Get people to change
what they do to reduce the
temperature!
THOMAS
(keeps working)
We're not really doing much of
anything, comparatively speaking.
ALISON
Stop your typing!
THOMAS
What?
ALISON
Stop your typing!!!!
THOMAS
I can't. If I stop typing then my
project will fail.
ALISON
Then slow it down.
THOMAS
You want me to be less efficient?
ALISON
For the sake of mankind!
THOMAS
Look, last week there was a temp in
here that said we were all going to
die due to cubical cooling. Some
other guy complained that his cube
wasn't big enough and we were over
crowded. Now you're telling me the
office is going to self-destruct
because the air conditioner went
off?
ALISON
What's your point?
THOMAS
Well, I've worked here the entire
time and nothing's happened.
ALISON
That's because you weren't paying
attention.
THOMAS
Do you really think that the speed
of my typing is the critical
component as to why the temperature
rose by one degree?
ALISON
Absolutely! Everyone knows this.
She pulls a JANITOR into the cube.
ALISON (CONT'D)
(referring to Janitor)
The smartest people in this
building agree with me.
She shoves the Janitor out.
ALISON (CONT'D)
(to Thomas)
You're so callous. So uncaring.
How could you just sit there and do
your job and ignore the impending
catastrophe?
THOMAS
(stops, turns to her)
Prove to me the air conditioner
won't come back on and I'll believe
you.
Alison sits there stumped. Thomas returns to
typing. Alison looks to her cup of ice water.
ALISON
(points to cup)
The ice in my cup is melting!
THOMAS
So?
ALISON
(frantic)
It's going to overflow and spill
onto my desk! My work area will be
reduced by fifty percent! My
efficiency in the office will be
reduced, I'll lose my job, I won't
be able to buy food and I'LL DIE!
(flailing)
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
She collapses onto the floor. Thomas' fingers
continue to POUND the keyboard.
Alison peeks one eye open and looks up to the
ceiling.
ALISON
Do you see that? The ceiling is
falling!
Thomas looks up to the ceiling air vent.
THOMAS
It's the air. It turned back on.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
The Notorious Bettie Page (2005)
Bettie Page has evolved into an iconic figure of 50's pin-ups and is probably the best known model from the beginnings of the specialized bondage niche photography. A lot of people have seen Bettie Page's face but few actually know who she was and to where this mysterious women has gone.
The film The Nortorious Bettie Page follows the development and eventual moral salvation of Bettie Page, played wonderfully by the under-appreciated Gretchen Mol. Coming from a rural and abusive home, her life is greatly influenced by her faith. As she matures and leaves the strict confines of her family, she explores new horizons in New York as an actress.
In the 1950's what was then called pornography (which is very tame by today's standards) was an underground and illegal endeavor. In order for connoisseurs of such material to acquire any, they formed photography clubs and hired models to pose. Through happenstance and a series of events, Bettie Page ended up being one of the most used and successful models of this underground movement. According to the film, Page's participation was constantly conflicted. Part of her personality was a very free spirit, but it battled with her strong faithful upbringing. She was able to continue working toward an acting career as a model for hire, but it never sat well with her.
At one point, in acting class, she gives a riveting performance of torment and suffering. The teacher, surprised, asked what she was drawing from. She said "I'm thinking about all of my sins that have offended Jesus."
The Notorious Bettie Page is film that not only explores the growth of underground bondage photography of the 1950's through the iconic Bettie Page, but it is more about Page's moral journey of sacrifice, mistakes and a longing for moral happiness. At the end we find Bettie having shunned her previous life and, instead, working as a street preacher, trying to save souls.
A special nod should go to Gretchen Mol for her performance as Page. Even though the film's pacing is uneven at times, Mol's performance is fearless. There are times when an actor feels naked in their performance because they are opening themselves up to uncomfortable levels. Mol's performance does this both figuratively and literally and her bravery at capturing such a free spirit is what truly carries the film.
The film, in many ways, is very Old Testament. It's full of sin and illicit behavior, but in the end, it's about a person's journey toward salvation and forgiveness.
The film The Nortorious Bettie Page follows the development and eventual moral salvation of Bettie Page, played wonderfully by the under-appreciated Gretchen Mol. Coming from a rural and abusive home, her life is greatly influenced by her faith. As she matures and leaves the strict confines of her family, she explores new horizons in New York as an actress.In the 1950's what was then called pornography (which is very tame by today's standards) was an underground and illegal endeavor. In order for connoisseurs of such material to acquire any, they formed photography clubs and hired models to pose. Through happenstance and a series of events, Bettie Page ended up being one of the most used and successful models of this underground movement. According to the film, Page's participation was constantly conflicted. Part of her personality was a very free spirit, but it battled with her strong faithful upbringing. She was able to continue working toward an acting career as a model for hire, but it never sat well with her.
At one point, in acting class, she gives a riveting performance of torment and suffering. The teacher, surprised, asked what she was drawing from. She said "I'm thinking about all of my sins that have offended Jesus."
The Notorious Bettie Page is film that not only explores the growth of underground bondage photography of the 1950's through the iconic Bettie Page, but it is more about Page's moral journey of sacrifice, mistakes and a longing for moral happiness. At the end we find Bettie having shunned her previous life and, instead, working as a street preacher, trying to save souls.A special nod should go to Gretchen Mol for her performance as Page. Even though the film's pacing is uneven at times, Mol's performance is fearless. There are times when an actor feels naked in their performance because they are opening themselves up to uncomfortable levels. Mol's performance does this both figuratively and literally and her bravery at capturing such a free spirit is what truly carries the film.
The film, in many ways, is very Old Testament. It's full of sin and illicit behavior, but in the end, it's about a person's journey toward salvation and forgiveness.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Separation of Church & State Myth Skit
So, during lunch I created a quick little Theater of the Obvious logo...
And here's another skit I wrote during lunch, this one on the Separation of Church and State myth. These are fun to write.
And here's another skit I wrote during lunch, this one on the Separation of Church and State myth. These are fun to write.© 2007 Pete Bauer
********
********
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
CHEF DAVID hands out his guidelines to his wait
staff, including DANTE and JANE.
CHEF DAVID
Okay, so here are our new
guidelines. Look it over and let
me know if you have any questions.
DANTE
(scanning the guidelines)
So our two main condiments are
catsup and mustard?
CHEF DAVID
Yes. They're the cornerstone of
our menu. It's what makes our
restaurant so popular and so
strong.
DANTE
You say right here that people can
freely use mustard, but that we,
the wait staff, should not
establish the use of mustard as the
only condiment.
CHEF DAVID
Correct.
DANTE
Sounds simple.
CHEF DAVID
It is.
DANTE
But, sir, I had a customer in our
restaurant yesterday request we put
mustard on their hamburger.
CHEF DAVID
Okay.
DANTE
Well, you've stated here that there
is a clear separation between
catsup and mustard.
CHEF DAVID
No I didn't.
DANTE
Yes you did. By putting mustard on
our customer's hamburger, we are,
by default, establishing the use of
mustard, which you have expressly
stated we should not do.
CHEF DAVID
No we're not. Catsup and mustard
can coexist. If a customer wants
mustard on their hamburger in this
restaurant, it doesn't mean we are
establishing mustard as the only
condiment, we are merely allowing
our customers to freely exercise
their use of mustard on restaurant
property. There's a difference.
DANTE
No there isn't.
CHEF DAVID
Yes, there is. I wrote the
guidelines. I know what I
intended.
DANTE
No you don't.
CHEF DAVID
Yes, I do.
Another waiter, JANE, chimes in.
JANE
Excuse me, sir, as the
representative of American
Condiment Liberties Union I have to
agree with Dante. You clearly
intended that catsup and mustard
should never be combined.
CHEF DAVID
No I did not.
JANE
Yes you did. Your guidelines are
open to interpretation and the way
we interpret it is that there is a
clear separation between catsup and
mustard. Just ask the media.
They'll agree with us.
CHEF DAVID
No where in my guidelines are the
words "separation of catsup and
mustard" ever stated.
DANTE
But that's what you meant.
CHEF DAVID
No I didn't.
JANE
Yes you did.
CHEF DAVID
Look, I came from a restaurant
where the chef mandated mustard and
mustard only. So, what I'm saying
here is that if people want to use
mustard, they can. But, we won't
establish it as the only condiment.
JANE
Exactly. No mustard and catsup
together.
CHEF DAVID
That's not what I said.
DANTE
Yes it is.
CHEF DAVID
No it isn't.
JANE
We are okay with people requesting
relish, onions and even pickles.
But mustard is out. We will never
recognize the use of mustard.
CHEF DAVID
What?
DANTE
Agreed. If we allow customers to
use mustard on our food we are
establishing the use of mustard as
the only condiment and that would
offend the relish, onion and pickle
lovers.
CHEF DAVID
How would it do that?
JANE
And we must therefore never allow
mustard to be used or even
recognized by this restaurant.
CHEF DAVID
What?
JANE
If people want to use mustard in
the privacy of their own home,
that's okay, but any use of mustard
on restaurant property clearly
defies the mandated separation of
catsup and mustard and is therefore
prohibited. As a matter of fact,
if anyone even suggests using
mustard on restaurant property, we
should take them to court!
DANTE
Here here!
CHEF DAVID
Wait a minute! You've completely
misunderstood what I wrote.
Mustard is a good condiment. I was
raised in a family of mustard
lovers. This restaurant was
founded on the use of mustard. How
can you say that it should be
excluded from the restaurant?
JANE
Because that's what our lawyers say
you meant.
CHEF DAVID
But I only want to allow other
condiments to be recognized in our
restaurant, not to exclude mustard
from the restaurant as a whole.
Dante returns with a box of mustard packets.
DANTE
I'm getting these off restaurant
grounds. And any public
recognition of mustard must be
removed immediately.
JANE
Agreed.
Chef David hands Jane his hat.
JANE (CONT'D)
Where are you going?
CHEF DAVID
I don't know. But this isn't the
restaurant I founded. I don't even
recognize it anymore.
FADE OUT.
Dark Passage (1947)
Falling into the film noir genre, Dark Passage, starring the then newly married Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall, revolves around a wrongly accused escaped convict who finds comfort and assistance in the beautiful Bacall while trying to clear his name. What is most interesting about this particular film is that the first half of it takes place almost entirely from the viewpoint of the convict (Bogart). You don't see his face until after he's had illegal facial surgery to alter his looks.
Once Bogart actually appears on film the story falls into a great number of clichés, convenient coincidences and the most consecutive series of accidental deaths all pointing to the same innocent convict... well, it's a little much to take.
For example, Bogart's character says he didn't kill his wife (the reason for his incarceration). He visits his friend, who ends up dead, Bogart's fingerprints on the murder weapon (a trumpet), but he didn't do it. He then confronts the real murderer behind all of the deaths (Agnes Moorehead) only to have her accidentally fall out of the window and to her death on the street below, again with all real evidence pointing to Bogart.
What a bad week!
Tack on a quite simplistic, happy ending and what started out as one of the most inventive film noir films in cinematic history ends up being a complete mess. Too bad.
Once Bogart actually appears on film the story falls into a great number of clichés, convenient coincidences and the most consecutive series of accidental deaths all pointing to the same innocent convict... well, it's a little much to take.For example, Bogart's character says he didn't kill his wife (the reason for his incarceration). He visits his friend, who ends up dead, Bogart's fingerprints on the murder weapon (a trumpet), but he didn't do it. He then confronts the real murderer behind all of the deaths (Agnes Moorehead) only to have her accidentally fall out of the window and to her death on the street below, again with all real evidence pointing to Bogart.
What a bad week!
Tack on a quite simplistic, happy ending and what started out as one of the most inventive film noir films in cinematic history ends up being a complete mess. Too bad.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Capote (2005)
Truman Capote was a famous author in the 1950s who's career ultimately culminated in the publication of the non-fiction book In Cold Blood, about two men accused of killing a family of four in rural Kansas. The film Capote is about the lengths and convenient mis-truths Capote engaged in to reach his goal of getting inside the head of one of the killers. It is both a subtle and effective film.
Shot beautifully by director Bennett Miller and cinematographer Adam Kimmel, the story follows Capote, played so effortlessly and convincingly by Philip Seymour Hoffman, from the time he reads about the murders in the New York Times through the next four years until the men are put to death. In a move that exemplifies Capote's commitement and ruthlessness to get the information he needs, he hires a lawyer to put the appeals motion in place, not because he believes the men are innocent, but to buy him more time to build trust with one of the murderers as to get his version of the events that night.
Other wonderful actors include Catherine Keeler, who plays a friend and Capote assistant Nelle Harper Lee, who also happened to write To Kill A Mockingbird, Chris Cooper as lead detective Alvin Dewey and Bruce Greenwood as fellow writer and Capote companion Jack Dunphy. The film does a wonderful job of weaving in the social life of writers in the 1950s, the vibrancy of New Yorks literary scene and the self-centered and often contradictory drives that propel Capote to write his most successful book.
This is a wonderful, exceptional film without a false note. Nor does it use any Hollywood cliches. In a media that been around over 100 years, it is rare to find a truly unique film. Capote is one such film.
Shot beautifully by director Bennett Miller and cinematographer Adam Kimmel, the story follows Capote, played so effortlessly and convincingly by Philip Seymour Hoffman, from the time he reads about the murders in the New York Times through the next four years until the men are put to death. In a move that exemplifies Capote's commitement and ruthlessness to get the information he needs, he hires a lawyer to put the appeals motion in place, not because he believes the men are innocent, but to buy him more time to build trust with one of the murderers as to get his version of the events that night.
Other wonderful actors include Catherine Keeler, who plays a friend and Capote assistant Nelle Harper Lee, who also happened to write To Kill A Mockingbird, Chris Cooper as lead detective Alvin Dewey and Bruce Greenwood as fellow writer and Capote companion Jack Dunphy. The film does a wonderful job of weaving in the social life of writers in the 1950s, the vibrancy of New Yorks literary scene and the self-centered and often contradictory drives that propel Capote to write his most successful book.This is a wonderful, exceptional film without a false note. Nor does it use any Hollywood cliches. In a media that been around over 100 years, it is rare to find a truly unique film. Capote is one such film.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The Worst Fortune Ever
Carolyn, the receptionist in our building, got what I consider to be the worst fortune cookie fortune ever. It said...
So uplifting, isn't it? I have never seen a negative fortune before. Too funny.
"Your problem just got bigger.
Think. What have you done!"
Think. What have you done!"
So uplifting, isn't it? I have never seen a negative fortune before. Too funny.
If Drug Ed Were Taught Like Sex Ed Skit
Continuing what I have called The Theater of the Obvious, yesterday at lunch I wrote a skit about if drug education were taught like sex education in our schools. This would be a little harder to shoot, but could still be done in a day.
*****
© 2007 Pete Bauer
*****
INT. SCHOOL - DAY
MR. MICHAELS stands in front of the classroom,
a box of items on his desk. STUDENTS, including
CATHERINE, sit in the class.
MR. MICHAELS
Drug Education. That's our topic
this week. It's important to
remember not to do drugs. After
all, most of you aren't even old
enough to drive, so how can we
expect that you'd know whether or
not to engage in drug use?
Mr. Michaels pulls the box next to him.
MR. MICHAELS (CONT'D)
So, today, I'm going to show you
how to shoot up on heroin.
(pulling items out
individually)
First, you'll need some heroin. A
spoon. A lighter. Oh, and of
course, your needle and tourniquet.
Now, the first-
CATHERINE
(raises her hand)
Excuse me, Mr. Michaels?
MR. MICHAELS
Yes, Catherine?
CATHERINE
Well, if you really don't want us
to do drugs then why are you
showing us how to shoot up on
heroin?
MR. MICHAELS
Well, Catherine, you are correct,
we do NOT want you to do drugs!
Engaging in drug use can lead to
addiction, acquiring life
threatening diseases as well as
other numerous unwanted outcomes.
So, yes, we definitely do NOT want
you to take drugs of any kind.
(beat)
Now, where was I? Oh, yes,
preparing the heroin.
CATHERINE
Excuse me?
MR. MICHAELS
(sighs)
Yes, Catherine?
CATHERINE
So, if the only way avoid becoming
addicted or catch a disease or have
unwanted outcomes is NOT to take
drugs, then why are you showing us
how to use heroin?
MR. MICHAELS
Well, it's quite complex, really.
You see, our society has lowered
our expectations of our youth so
low that, instead of teaching you
simple self control, we've decided
to teach everyone how to use drugs
safely.
CATHERINE
But doesn't that just encourage us
to do drugs?
MR. MICHAELS
Now, Catherine, you don't want to
remain ignorant, do you? I mean,
you're not afraid of knowledge, are
you?
CATHERINE
No! But, I just thought that if
the best choice for teens is not to
take drugs that maybe we should
gear our education toward that,
instead of the other way around.
MR. MICHAELS
You lost me.
CATHERINE
I mean, I want to know what happens
if I take heroin...
MR. MICHAELS
Good.
CATHERINE
But does it make sense to show us
one behavior and expect us to act
the opposite?
MR. MICHAELS
Catherine?
CATHERINE
Yes?
MR. MICHAELS
What am I?
CATHERINE
A teacher.
MR. MICHAELS
And what are you?
CATHERINE
A student.
MR. MICHAELS
And what does that mean?
CATHERINE
I don't know.
MR. MICHAELS
It means I'm smarter than you. The
educators in our schools have
determined kids today simply can't
control themselves, so we're going
to show you how to take drugs
properly and safely... even though
you shouldn't take any drugs... but
in case you do... even though we
don't want you to... but we're
teaching it to you anyway... so you
won't do it.
(smiles)
I don't understand why this is so
hard for you to understand. It's
really quite simple.
He holds up the needle.
MR. MICHAELS (CONT'D)
Now, remember, never share needles.
Well, let me rephrase that... I
don't want to offend anyone. Some
of you may want to share needles
and if you do that's okay, but it
can lead to very serious diseases
such as HIV, but that's okay, just
make sure you get checked out every
year, just in case.
CATHERINE
(raises hand)
Excuse me?
MR. MICHAELS
(frustrated)
Yes, Catherine!
CATHERINE
Well, isn't the best way to make
sure you don't get a disease is not
to use the needle in the first
place?
MR. MICHAELS
Then how would you shoot up on
heroin?
CATHERINE
That's my point... you wouldn't.
MR. MICHAELS
I thought we've been through this!
(class bells sound)
Okay, we're out of time today.
Tomorrow we'll go over shooting up
on heroin, snorting cocaine and the
drug of choice you've seen on the
music television channel, taking
meth!
The kids stand and gather their books.
MR. MICHAELS (CONT'D)
And remember, don't do drugs!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
U.S. Immigration Skit
I once heard someone compare the border security issue in the U.S. to someone breaking into your house. At lunch yesterday I took that idea and wrote out this simple sketch. I'm thinking of video taping it and throwing it up on You Tube... what do you think?
© 2007 Pete Bauer
*****
FADE IN.
INT. HOUSE - EVENING
A woman, KATE, enters her home to find MIKEY
sitting at the bar in her kitchen, eating a
sandwich.
KATE
Who are you?
MIKEY
I'm Mikey. I lived in the house
behind your's.
KATE
What are you doing here?
MIKEY
Well, you have a really nice house.
KATE
Thank you.
MIKEY
Probably the best house in the
entire neighborhood.
KATE
Okay.
MIKEY
So, I thought I'd come over and
live here instead.
KATE
But I live here.
MIKE
I mean, your house is much better
than mine! So, I thought I'd come
over and share it with you.
KATE
But this is my house. I was born
in this house.
MIKEY
I know, but you've got plenty of
room. All of those empty bedrooms.
KATE
I know, but, maybe I'm not making
myself clear...
MIKEY
(interrupts)
Look, I noticed, no offense, that
your house was kinda messy, so I
cleaned up a bit. I'm a very hard
worker.
KATE
(notices his work)
Yes, it is very clean. You did a
good job.
MIKEY
I work very hard. I'm a very nice
guy, really. You can trust me.
KATE
But you broke into my house.
MIKEY
That's because your house was
better than mine.
KATE
But, how can I trust you if the
first thing you did is break into
my house?
MIKEY
Oh, you're one of those.
KATE
One of what?
MIKEY
One of those who automatically
assume because I come from the
other neighborhood that I'm not
trustworthy.
KATE
No, that's not it at all.
MIKEY
You're a bigot.
KATE
I am not! This has nothing to do
with whether I like you or not,
it's about what you've done to get
here.
MIKEY
But you have more than I do, so I
want some of it. Besides, I'm
willing to work for it.
KATE
I already have people who clean my
house.
MIKEY
I'll do it cheaper.
KATE
That's not the point. When I hire
someone I check the references, do
background checks, make sure
they're not dangerous. I don't
know anything about you.
MIKEY
I'm very nice. You'll see.
KATE
Look, Mikey, I don't think you're
understanding me...
MIKEY
(winces)
Oh, listen, I think I pulled my
back cleaning up your garage, so
I'm going to need you to take me to
the doctor.
KATE
Oh, do you have insurance?
MIKEY
No, I can't afford that! I figured
you'd pay for it. I mean, if you
can afford this house you certainly
can afford to pay when I hurt
myself.
KATE
But-
MIKEY
Oh, and my brother-in-law, well,
he's one of those people you
mentioned before... you know, got
into a lot of trouble in the old
neighborhood. Well, he followed me
over here and broke your lawn elf,
so I locked him in the shed in the
backyard. He's not a nice guy.
KATE
Well, why doesn't he just go home.
MIKEY
Well, he's locked up in the shed
now. We'll have to wait until he
deserves to come out. Oh, he'll
need cable television and for you
to pay for the electricity and food
while he's in there. And health
costs, of course.
KATE
Of course.
The window opens in the room and another person
sneaks in and disappears into the back of her
house.
KATE (CONT'D)
Who's that?
MIKEY
I don't know. He lives in my
neighborhood, but I've never met
him personally. But, I'm sure he's
okay.
KATE
How do you know that?
MIKEY
I don't. But, I'm sure he's okay.
You can trust him too.
KATE
Look, I have people in my house all
the time. People from all of the
different neighborhoods, including
your's, have come here and are
welcome to stay. But, there's a
process. You have to apply, I make
sure you're okay, and THEN I let
you stay here.
MIKEY
You don't mean that! You don't
have any locks on your doors or
windows! If you really didn't
want people to walk into your
house whenever they wanted, surely
you'd lock your doors and windows,
wouldn't you?
KATE
Well, I got approval to put the
locks on my doors and some of my
windows, but I haven't gotten the
money yet.
MIKEY
You see?
Another person sneaks into the house and hides
behind the couch.
KATE
And who's that?
MIKEY
I have no idea. He isn't from my
neighborhood, but he must have come
through my house to get to yours.
KATE
Why is he hiding?
MIKEY
I have no idea.
KATE
Because a few years ago some people
hiding behind my couch were
responsible for destroying part of
my house and some people died.
MIKEY
Well, I don't know who he is. Now,
let's get back to the important
stuff. Listen, as you can see,
there's quite a few of us in here.
Why don't you just toss out that
whole "making sure we're okay"
thingy and just make us permanent
house guests?
KATE
Because the rules are in place for
a reason. They protect this house.
MIKEY
But, I'm not a bad guy!
KATE
You may not be, but what about
everyone else that's snuck in here?
MIKEY
I have no idea. Oh, and I think,
speaking for those of us who've
recently moved in, we'd like to
talk to you about the rules of the
house overall. You know, have a
say in how the house is run. Stuff
like that.
KATE
But you don't live here!
MIKEY
Sure I do.
KATE
But you broke into my house!
MIKEY
I didn't break in, I moved in.
Now, you should know that my first
language is not your first
language, so I think you need to
start speaking in my language too.
KATE
But-
MIKEY
We already covered that you'll pick
up the cost of our medical bills
and for those locked up in the
shed.
KATE
But-
MIKEY
Now, here's something a lot of us
would like to change... your house
colors... red, white and blue.
C'mon! We have some other ideas.
KATE
Why won't anyone listen to me!
FADE OUT.
Blood Diamond (2006)
Edward Zwick loves the redemption of the seemingly unredemptive. The director of Glory and The Last Samurai continues stories of courageous acts of redemption by seriously flawed men during war time with the powerful and disturbing Blood Diamond. The story takes place in 1999 Sierra Leone during a brutal civil war and focuses around three main characters, a diamond smuggler, Danny Archer (Leonardo DiCaprio), Solomon Vandy (Djimon Hounsou), a simple fisherman who's family gets torn apart in the civil war and Maddy Bowen (Jennifer Connelly) who's a reporter looking for an inside source into diamond smuggling and its ties to the increasing arm sales in the region and the violence associated with the civil war.
When Solomon is forced into slave work looking for diamonds he finds a very rare large pink diamond. He sees it as leverage to getting his family back, Archer sees it as his way out of Africa and his failed life and Maddy sees it as the key to her story. They all see it as an opportunity for their own success and are willing to use each other as much as is required to get what they want. Through this journey the layers of the society and the effect of the civil war on the population is shown in unflinching frankness. Blood Diamond is often violent, but it uses that violence with great power. It shows children being taught to kill. It shows those children later slaughtering entire villages, then celebrating with drugs and alcohol, lead in this evil orgy by their captive leaders who effectively brainwash them into a life of extreme violence.
There are currently over 200,000 child soldiers in Africa and such tribal and internal genocide continues today. Blood Diamond, which focuses on the abuse of conflict diamonds, western greed and societal power struggles, shows to tremendous effect the complete disregard for human life in some areas of the world and how hopeless it all seems. Yet, like in Glory and The Last Samurai, Zwick offers light and hope in the form of individual heroism and sacrifice. If one person in a world of hate can understand selfessness, then maybe we can all be saved from our own greed.
Blood Diamond, like The Last Samurai, was hailed by critics yet under viewed by the mass audience. They are two very powerful, very important films about the power of redemption in our lives. Zwick has found his niche and with every subsequent film is becoming a master at presenting the eternal effect of salvation.
When Solomon is forced into slave work looking for diamonds he finds a very rare large pink diamond. He sees it as leverage to getting his family back, Archer sees it as his way out of Africa and his failed life and Maddy sees it as the key to her story. They all see it as an opportunity for their own success and are willing to use each other as much as is required to get what they want. Through this journey the layers of the society and the effect of the civil war on the population is shown in unflinching frankness. Blood Diamond is often violent, but it uses that violence with great power. It shows children being taught to kill. It shows those children later slaughtering entire villages, then celebrating with drugs and alcohol, lead in this evil orgy by their captive leaders who effectively brainwash them into a life of extreme violence.There are currently over 200,000 child soldiers in Africa and such tribal and internal genocide continues today. Blood Diamond, which focuses on the abuse of conflict diamonds, western greed and societal power struggles, shows to tremendous effect the complete disregard for human life in some areas of the world and how hopeless it all seems. Yet, like in Glory and The Last Samurai, Zwick offers light and hope in the form of individual heroism and sacrifice. If one person in a world of hate can understand selfessness, then maybe we can all be saved from our own greed.
Blood Diamond, like The Last Samurai, was hailed by critics yet under viewed by the mass audience. They are two very powerful, very important films about the power of redemption in our lives. Zwick has found his niche and with every subsequent film is becoming a master at presenting the eternal effect of salvation.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
The Godfather (1972)
As a movie maniac there are certain films every one of my friends believes I've seen that I have not actually watched. The Godfather trilogy are three such films. It took me until late in college to "discover" Cary Grant and Alfred Hitchcock, until five years ago to see Casablanca and until 2007 to see The Godfather.
Part of the problem is that great films such as The Godfather have been commented on, parodied and quoted so often that there is not much of a surprise when watching it. I grew up watching Second City Television (SCTV) and their comedic version of it, I've seen the scene where Marlon Brando sticks an orange wedge in his mouth and scares a little kid before passing away on numerous documentaries about his life or the scene where James Caan gets gunned down or the guy finds the horse head in his bed and hec, I've even quoted "Perhaps one day you can do me a service" in my own Brando-esque way many times.
I guess that's the price I pay for waiting so long.
So, I sat down and watched the film for the first time and enjoyed myself, but was not overly moved because of the aforementioned exposure to the film. The most surprising aspect of the film, to me, is the lack of foul language. If the film was made today, I'm certain every third word would be of the four letter variety.
The film was satisfying and obviously accomplished on every level. The cinematography was tremendous and the performances excellent. I look forward to seeing The Godfather, Part II... maybe I'll find it a little less exposed and a little more refreshing than its landmark original.
Part of the problem is that great films such as The Godfather have been commented on, parodied and quoted so often that there is not much of a surprise when watching it. I grew up watching Second City Television (SCTV) and their comedic version of it, I've seen the scene where Marlon Brando sticks an orange wedge in his mouth and scares a little kid before passing away on numerous documentaries about his life or the scene where James Caan gets gunned down or the guy finds the horse head in his bed and hec, I've even quoted "Perhaps one day you can do me a service" in my own Brando-esque way many times.I guess that's the price I pay for waiting so long.
So, I sat down and watched the film for the first time and enjoyed myself, but was not overly moved because of the aforementioned exposure to the film. The most surprising aspect of the film, to me, is the lack of foul language. If the film was made today, I'm certain every third word would be of the four letter variety.
The film was satisfying and obviously accomplished on every level. The cinematography was tremendous and the performances excellent. I look forward to seeing The Godfather, Part II... maybe I'll find it a little less exposed and a little more refreshing than its landmark original.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Safety Harbor Little League All-Stars Runner-Up Picture
UPDATE: I've added some pics from that website to this entry. Thanks to Bob Krayer for the pics.
If you visit the Safety Harbor Little League website, you can see the picture of the team holding the runner up plaque.
The teams line up for the National Anthem.
Gabe in the dugout before the game.
Gabe up to bat.
What's funny is if you look at Gabe
in the picture, he's completely dissatisfied.
If you visit the Safety Harbor Little League website, you can see the picture of the team holding the runner up plaque.
The teams line up for the National Anthem.
Gabe in the dugout before the game.
Gabe up to bat.
What's funny is if you look at Gabe in the picture, he's completely dissatisfied.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Safety Harbor Falls 6-5 to Countryside in the District 12 Championship
Well, it wasn't meant to be, I guess. After building a 4-0 lead in the first inning, Safety Harbor allowed Countryside to climb back into a 4-4 tie with errors and giving up a two run home run. In the fourth inning, Safety Harbor climbed back into the lead 5-4, in the top of the fifth allowed 2 runs to score on a costly error and that's the way it ended, 6-5.
The team was very disappointed, as you could imagine. And, not to sound like a homer, but our team was far more talented, but we did not make the hits when we needed it most. Playing that Countryside team nine times out of ten and we probably would win all of them. For the first time in the tournament we failed at hitting the ball effectively and allowed timely errors to decide the game against us.
Gabe had an okay game, going 1-3 with a single and two ground outs. He made multiple near-catch dives in the infield, but the balls continued past his glove into the outfield.
His effort was there, the talent was there, but the score was not. A wasted opportunity, to be sure.
So ends spring baseball. I was very proud of Gabe this playoffs. He started spring ball in the regular season at second base and made four errors in his first game and got called looking on third strikes numerous times.
Boy, how he's grown. He ended the tournament season with no errors and no strike outs, getting on base one way or another 14 out of 17 at bats.
Thanks to all of the coaches, especially Bob Bates for all of his work. And a special thank you to Robbie and Kristi for coming down from Georgia, for Betty, Chaz and Elizabeth coming to the game, and for Tim O. for supporting Gabe at the game today.
I'll be thinking about the "What ifs..." for the next few weeks, I'm certain.
The team was very disappointed, as you could imagine. And, not to sound like a homer, but our team was far more talented, but we did not make the hits when we needed it most. Playing that Countryside team nine times out of ten and we probably would win all of them. For the first time in the tournament we failed at hitting the ball effectively and allowed timely errors to decide the game against us.
Gabe had an okay game, going 1-3 with a single and two ground outs. He made multiple near-catch dives in the infield, but the balls continued past his glove into the outfield.
His effort was there, the talent was there, but the score was not. A wasted opportunity, to be sure.
So ends spring baseball. I was very proud of Gabe this playoffs. He started spring ball in the regular season at second base and made four errors in his first game and got called looking on third strikes numerous times.
Boy, how he's grown. He ended the tournament season with no errors and no strike outs, getting on base one way or another 14 out of 17 at bats.
Thanks to all of the coaches, especially Bob Bates for all of his work. And a special thank you to Robbie and Kristi for coming down from Georgia, for Betty, Chaz and Elizabeth coming to the game, and for Tim O. for supporting Gabe at the game today.
I'll be thinking about the "What ifs..." for the next few weeks, I'm certain.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Safety Harbor Survives Scare, Beats West Pasco 10-8 to play for District Title!
Safety Harbor All-Stars went into the sixth inning with a 10-3 lead. Our starting pitcher, John Paul, ran out of gas after an impressive game and was replaced by Gabe. Unfortunately for us, West Pasco's bats came alive, hitting Gabe's accurate pitches through the infield and dropping some in front of the outfielders, scoring a few runs.
Gabe pitching.
Coach Bob Bates brought in Tommy Daily to try and close out the game. Tommy struck out one and Gabe, now playing right field, caught a high fly ball to get the team to two outs. With bases loaded and Tommy reaching his limit of 20 pitches (any more and he couldn't pitch tomorrow and he's our starter), Coach Bates turned to Steve Javaruski to close out the game. With bases loaded, two outs and Safety Harbor leading 10-8, Javaruski threw a strike which was lined high and deep into right center field, where it was caught by Andrew Llewellyn to bring the exciting game to a dramatic climax.
Gabe hitting leftie.
All of the parents and coaches were spent. This is the farthest any Safety Harbor team has gone in tournament play for almost 10 years and they have never won a District Title.
Tomorrow we get our chance at making history. We face our arch rivals, the Countryside All Stars, at 3:00 p.m.
Gabe had a good game, going 2 for 2 and walking twice. At second base he made two ground outs, a tag out and a pop fly out. And, as stated before, he made that important catch in right field.
The game was a real nail biter and major cudos go to West Pasco for making such an impressive comeback.
So, tomorrow we will do our best to continue this wonderful streak. As Steven J likes to say, "we have two options... winning or winning big." That's become our motto. Let's see if we can make our dreams a reality.
Stay tuned...
Click on pic below to see one of Gabe's hits, this time from the right side.
Click for video.Safety Harbor All Stars Win Again 9-2
Last night the Safety Harbor All Stars beat Largo All Stars 9-2. Gabe went 2-3, both were hustle singles where he beat out the throws. He also came in at the end of the game with the bases loaded.
The first batter got a hit up the middle but a great throw from center fielder John Paul to catcher Tommy Daily to get a runner at home put the end of the game just one out away. Gabe then struck out the last batter looking to end the game. Other great plays came from pitchers Robert, Andrew and Trevor, as well as the hot bats of Steven and Logan.
Gabe playing 2nd Base, JP playing Center
So, they finish the pool play the only team 3-0 and face either Countryside or West Pasco Saturday (today) at 1:00 p.m. in the semi-finals. There are no weak teams moving forward, so we have to play our best every pitch, every hit, every out.
DC and I cheer Gabe on from the
only shaded location available.
We were honored to have Robbie, Kristi, Tyler and Lauren at the game from Georgia. And Charles, Betty, Andrew, Elizabeth, Lisette, Theres, John Paul, Stephen and Chaz, still recovering from his appendectomy all came out as well! Thanks Bauers.
You just gotta love family!
Lauren hangs out with some of the Bauer kids.
Chaz even made this great sign (see below). How awesome!
A recovering Chaz takes the time
to show Gabe his support!
What a trooper!
The support from the family was great
We are very grateful for the effort and success of this young team. Now on to the next round! Go Safety Harbor!
The first batter got a hit up the middle but a great throw from center fielder John Paul to catcher Tommy Daily to get a runner at home put the end of the game just one out away. Gabe then struck out the last batter looking to end the game. Other great plays came from pitchers Robert, Andrew and Trevor, as well as the hot bats of Steven and Logan.
Gabe playing 2nd Base, JP playing CenterSo, they finish the pool play the only team 3-0 and face either Countryside or West Pasco Saturday (today) at 1:00 p.m. in the semi-finals. There are no weak teams moving forward, so we have to play our best every pitch, every hit, every out.
DC and I cheer Gabe on from theonly shaded location available.
We were honored to have Robbie, Kristi, Tyler and Lauren at the game from Georgia. And Charles, Betty, Andrew, Elizabeth, Lisette, Theres, John Paul, Stephen and Chaz, still recovering from his appendectomy all came out as well! Thanks Bauers.
You just gotta love family! Lauren hangs out with some of the Bauer kids.
Chaz even made this great sign (see below). How awesome!
A recovering Chaz takes the time to show Gabe his support!
What a trooper!
The support from the family was great
We are very grateful for the effort and success of this young team. Now on to the next round! Go Safety Harbor!
Friday, July 06, 2007
All Stars Continue Tonight
The All Star games continue tonight. We are honored to have Kristi and Robbie from GA along with Tyler and Lauren on hand to watch tonight's game.
I'll have an update later tonight.
I'll have an update later tonight.
Ratatouille (2007)
Pixar has set the bar so incredibly high that average films seem like a huge disappointment. Ratatouille is one such disappointment. The technically marvelous, yet overly dull story revolves around a rat who can cook joining forces with a chef who can't in order to save a family restaurant.
It all sounds good on paper, but the first half of this film moved very slowly to the point that I wanted to go get some nachos just so I could have something to do. Sure, I could have been effected by recently going cold turkey on caffeine, but all of the kids around me were even more restless than I was.
Granted, there were funny moments and the last half of the film is very good, but I left the film putting it as the least effective Pixar film yet, just below A Bug's Life.
In the end, the film is about rats... animated or not, they're still rats. When you see them swarm, you instinctively squirm.
A good rental, but that's about it.
It all sounds good on paper, but the first half of this film moved very slowly to the point that I wanted to go get some nachos just so I could have something to do. Sure, I could have been effected by recently going cold turkey on caffeine, but all of the kids around me were even more restless than I was.
Granted, there were funny moments and the last half of the film is very good, but I left the film putting it as the least effective Pixar film yet, just below A Bug's Life.In the end, the film is about rats... animated or not, they're still rats. When you see them swarm, you instinctively squirm.
A good rental, but that's about it.
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