Award-Winning Ass

My brother Paul reminded me last night of a funny college story I had long forgotten.

In theater, there are serious performance competitions called the Irene Ryan Competition. At the end of the school year, our theater department would hold a spoof award ceremony called the Eileen Lyons, where the entire department would attend and share in the fun festivities.

My senior year in college I was in a performance of The Tempest. One of the set pieces was this very large chess set, so for the statues at the Eileen Lyon awards, they used the chess pieces from the show.

Well, one of the categories was "The most common phrase heard in the Theater Department." The nominees were various phrases our acting teachers would often state, such as "Act better, be loud" etc. The winning phrase was not one of the nominees. The winning phrase most heard in the Theater Department in 1988 was:

"Pete, you're an ass!"

I went onto the stage to find the entire theater department offering me a standing ovation for being an ass. I believe it was the only standing ovation given that night. It was so funny that I immediately went backstage and called my mother.

"Mom!" I said on the phone, "I just won an award in the theater department!"

"Really?" Mom said excitedly.

"Yeah," I responded, "I'm the 1988 Fine Arts Assh_le of the year!"

The phone went silent for about 10 seconds.

"No," I continued, "it's a good thing!"

"Oh... okay," my Mom finally muttered.

What a funny night. So, whenever people would call me an ass, I would tell them "Not only am I an ass, but I'm an award-winning ass! That doesn't come without serious dedication and practice!"

And I still have that over-sized chess piece in my box of collectibles. After all, an award is an award!