My Life With Crohns So Far... Part 14

There comes a point when you're in a hospital where you may not be 100% physically, but your are mentally ready to get the hell out of dodge. Those days are the most excruciating.... the waiting. That is where your prayer life becomes critical. Granted, most of your prayers include a lot of phrases such as "Lord, get me out of here now!" and similiar type statements, but at least you're able to vent.

I guess its the feeling of helplessness and unceasing pain that combine to inflict the most damage to your spiritual life. Offering up occasional suffering was one thing. But, honestly offering up constant suffering was something completely different. Selfishness seeps in and you just want the pain to stop... more than you want to offer that suffering up to God. Fighting that battle between human selfishness and divine selflessness... it's a constant struggle.

Now, before you can leave the hospital after an intestinal surgery, the first thing you have to do is pass gas. Now, I’ll be honest, I’m really good at this. One might even consider it a talent. But, after my second surgery, it was taking much longer than I wanted. See, the anesthesia actually puts your intestines to sleep and only when they wake up do you start digesting and pass gas. If you eat too much before your intestines are completely awake, your stomach will throw it into reverse and, well, you know the rest.

With the whole smoky, mildewing persistent smell surrounding me, laying in this Miami hospital was pushing my patience to the limit. In this short-sighted mindset, I rushed along my recovery and began eating before I really should. It wasn't long before I became very nauseous. I was certain I was going to be sick and there were two major problems. One, the bathroom was across the room, which, in my current state, mine as well have been uphill, over jagged rocks during a blizzard. Two, when you get sick, you use your stomach muscles and my stomach muscles were freshly stapled closed... just moving the sheets across them was painful.

This wasn’t going to be my finest hour.

As quickly as I could, which to most humans would look like extreme slow motion, I made my way out of bed. With my I.V. in tow, I scurried my way to the bathroom. Now what?

I couldn’t bend down. I couldn’t get on my knees. I was about to be sick and I was in a no win situation. I put on my MacGuyver hat and made my way to the sink. By now, the time had come. With each wave of nausea, my stomach muscles clenched tight and the pain raced through my body like an electrical current. It was excruciating. After some intense, self inflicted pain, the nausea left me. I cleaned myself up and made my way back into bed.

I had learned my lesson. I needed to slow down my physical recovery, no matter how much damage was inflicted on me mentally or spiritually. Sometimes life just sucks. You just have to deal with it.

To be continued.

Predictor Pete - Week Four

The Bucs pulled out a victory against the Packers last week, moving to 3-0. Despite some bonehead plays, the defense made the stops when required and Cadillac ran into the history books to beat the Pack 17-16

This week the Bucs face the Lions for the second home game of the season. The Lions are coming off a bye week and should be well rested. Lion QB Joey Harrington was expected to do great things this year, but he's struggled and the Lions are at 1-1.

If the Bucs can do what they do, they should win this game. There will be a time, however, where they have a bad game and the breaks don't go their way. I don't think this will be the game.

My Heart: Bucs 28-10.
My Mind: Bucs 21-14
My Colon: Lions 21-19.

My Pick: Bucs 27-23...

Again, on paper, the Bucs should win. The Lions have three big receivers, so that may cause some issues. I would expect, having seen Cadillac run rampant over the past three games, that they will stack the box and force the Bucs to pass. If that's the case, the game may fall on Griese's shoulders... something for which I'm not overly confident. It'll probably be closer than I'd like. If we win the turnover and penalty battle, we should win the game.

Also, I won't actually get to see this game this week. My son is celebrating his 9th birthday at the final home Devil Rays game. He's worth it :)

My Record: 3 - 0.

My Life With Crohns So Far... Part 13

The one thing for which I have been keenly aware during my illness has been the effect of Crohns on my wife and children. Caregivers are the unsung heroes. For a long time, whenever people would see my wife, they would ask about me... as if her needs, her feelings were inconsequential. When, in reality, it was she that was bearing the brunt of the illness. After all, I was home sick, in bed, alone. She had to manage the kids, run the house, everything.

Her life grows exceedingly more complex where mine becomes painful, but simple.

So, as my time wore on in the Miami hospital, my wife's patience was beginning to grow thin. She would stop by to visit me in the room, but the entire experience was wearing on her. Her time actually sitting with me grew less and less each day. After all, what can she do, but watch me lay there. How exciting is that? I was completely bored sitting there. How much more boring is it for her to sit there watching me be bored? I think there's a cirlce of hell reserved for such an undertaking.

One morning she arrived and sat across from me and asked "How are you doing?" As I wrapped all of my thoughts into the word "fine" she said, "Okay, I'm going to go to the cafeteria. I'll be back later." Before I could respond, she was gone. She left the room so fast I half expected a BEEP-BEEP and a Looney Toon-esque cloud outline of her to be at the foot of my bed, slowly disappating into nothing.

I can't imagine how helpless and frustrating and draining and tiring and complicated being the caregiver can be. Thankfully, my brother John and his wife Irene came down and spent some time with my wife. That was a Godsend for her... she desperately needed the distraction.

While laying alone in the room and my stomach swollen and stapled, something odd started to happen. Everything started smelling like old, smoky, dirty, mildewy laundry. Everything. My sheets, the oxygen flowing into my nose, everything.

At one point the nurse brought me some food... it was SUPPOSE to be turkey and applesauce. To me, it was some evil concoction of smell and waste. I tasted it... smoky, wet laundry... with gravy. I was certain this was the dirtiest hospital in the history of documented medicine.

When my wife arrived, I immediately and urgently whispered to her "Can you taste this???? It's awful!"

She dipped the spoon into the food... "hmmm, applesauce."

"Applesauce???? What about that!" I pointed to another selection on the tray.

She took a big bite... "Turkey" she replied.

"Turkey? What the hell is going on?" I asked.

I couldn't get out of there quick enough.

To be continued...

Image and Likeness

When it is said that humans are made in the image and likeness of God, what does that mean? Does the word image mean a replica or symbolic similarity? Is likeness a resemblance? What seems lacking in this English translation is that these words Image and Likeness infer a visual similarity. But, we are often taught that it our souls, our actions, our behavior that defines our potential spiritual purity, not our looks.

So, I don't think Image and Likeness means we look like God or that he has two hands, feet or whatever. It must be deeper. Otherwise, the Apostles would have told us what Jesus looked like. But they didn't. So, it must mean that we are endowed with God's ability to feel compassion, to forgive, to sacrifice, to be merciful and helpful and, above all else, to love. As John says in his gospel, God is love. So, perhaps that is how we are in His Image and Likeness... that we have the ability, the free will of choice to love. And through that love and the acts that encompass its unconditional existence, we bring ourselves closer to our Creator and His Son.

Saturation Point

I've reached it. My brain cannot absorb any more international or domestic news of mass destruction. No more hurricane damage, no more suicide bombers, no more turning every little thing into a he said/she said between the Reps and the Dems, no more about oil prices or housing markets or Supreme Court nominees or wars on terror...

I'm done. I'm full. I'm packed. I need some quality time with the lesser things in life, like sports radio and music and movies and football and baseball and hockey and playing video games with my kids or laughing with my daughter or a date night with my wife.

Actually, I should have been focused on those "lesser" things all along.

My Life With Crohns So Far... Part 12

We arrived at the hospital in Miami and I was checked in, ready to get my laparoscopic intestinal surgery. It would normally take me about 12 months to recover from the normal intestinal surgery. A laparoscopic surgery only takes a few weeks and you're back to 100%.

We were very excited.

I awoke from the surgery to feel my stomach as if it were on fire. The nurse gave me a manual morphine clicker, which allows the patient to self-dispense morphine to themselves, per the patients needs... up to a point. Every day they lessen the total amount of morphine you can receive and never allow you to put yourself into danger.

When she handed me the clicker she said "Mr. Bauer, I'm handing you your self-release morphine button." My stomach felt as if it was being sawed in half… it was the most intense pain I had ever felt… so I began clicking away... a million clicks a second. Looks like all of those years of video game playing had finally come in handy!

Over the non-stop flurry of "clicks" the nurse said "Mr. Bauer, its not hooked up yet." No matter. The anesthesia was still flowing through my system, so I slipped back into unconsciousness.

I awoke in my hospital room, my wife with me. The doctors explained that they started the surgery laparoscopically, but due to the amount of damage, they had to perform the surgery the old fashioned way. Bonus! Not only did I get a new big scar on my stomach, but additional laparoscopic scars as well! Yeah! Oh Happy Day!

I told my wife that I know that I had a six-pack stomach when we got married, but after two surgeries, the best I can offer her was a 2-liter.

I was pretty groggy for the first couple of days, fading in and out, riding the morphine wave. Apparently, my brother John visited me once. He asked how I was doing. I awoke to tell him I thought I was going to throw up. He then asked where my wife was? I told him she was staying at the Green Mile Hotel.

He still gets a kick out of that story.

Soon after my recovery in the hospital started, my patience for staying there was growing thin. I just wanted to go home and I would do just about anything to get out of there.

To be continued…

Spam Jokes

As most of everyone else on the planet, I get spam emails with jokes or urban myths or whaterver. Yesterday I got one that had a couple of funny jokes in it about life lessons...

• Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that.
  
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

And my personal favorite...

• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

My Life With Crohns So Far... Part 11

The textbook effect of Crohns disease is that a surgery is required every five years. With active Crohns, ulcers create scar tissue. The scar tissue builds over time, usually over a five year period, until it causes a blockage. At that point, you need surgery.

I got Crohns in 1989. My first surgery was January 1995. As we neared 2000, I was due for another trip to the hospital. Like clock work, the textbook was right.

After a bout with what felt to be a standard Crohns attack... intestinal swelling, bloating and nausea... you know, good times... things got worse. I couldn't keep any water down. Even after the swelling had mostly diminished. By 2000, Dr. Boyd had left private practice and went on to teach at the University of Florida. I called my new gastroenterologist, Dr. Levy, and told him of my problem. He said simply, with his blunt New York accent "Looks like you have a blockage. Go to the hospital. You'll have to have surgery."

I wasn't prepared for this on any level... physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. I felt like I had just got kicked in the groin. "Okay" was all I could muster in response and hung up the phone. My wife was equally as unprepared, but she drove me to the hospital and I was admitted. As a last ditch effort they pumped me with prednisone to see if it would help. To everyone's surprise, it did. My intestinal swelling decreased enough so that the scar tissue was no longer causing a blockage. But, we all knew this was only a temporary solution. The clock was ticking. It was only a matter of time before surgery was inevitable.

The first surgery was such a bad experience, my wife and I used our time once I was released from the hospital to pursue other surgical options. We found that they are now performing laparoscopic Crohns surgery in Miami. The recovery is greatly reduced and the scarring minimal. Sounded like a winner to me!

We drove down to the hospital in Miami, met with the doctors, had exams, scheduled the surgery, etc. This time it was going to be different. This time we were prepared. This time the recovery would be minimal. This time, this disease would not completely take over my life.

Or so I thought.

To be continued...

The Failure of the Republicans

I do not like to align myself with either major political party... after all, they're both full of politicians. But, I am certainly much more conservative than liberal on many viewpoints. This past election, the Republicans basked in their self-anointed glory as Democrats lost both the Presidential election and many state elections. Also, most states passed conservative-esque legislation regarding parental notification of abortions and on the definition of marriage. The elephant party was officially on the clock.

The Republicans promised this was to be a new day, with control of the House, the Senate and the White House great things were going to happen. And, over the past year, what have they done?

Nothing much.

The good:

• The economy... The Republican strategy of tax cuts and low interest rates have greatly assisted in keeping this economy afloat during troubled times.
• The war on terror... war is ugly, especially this one. But if we don't participate, it doesn't mean it is going to go away. It only means that we won't be defending ourselves or keeping innocent Americans from dying in the future. So, if you gotta fight, you gotta fight.
• Supreme Court... It'd be nice to have justices who just read the constitution instead of rewriting it or taking non-US laws into account when dealing with legal issues. Hopefully, Bush will get some even-minded legal junkies in the black robes.

The bad:

• The war on terror... if you're going to fight a war, fight it with everything you have. Don't fight it to just barely win, but to completely win. Get as many troops, bombs and missiles over there and blow the enemy to bits... after all, the goal is to win, right? This war will never be politically palatable, so pay whatever points you have to pay on the home front and get the job done. Stop messing around. If Iraq doesn’t pass the constitution and start taking care of themselves, things will go badly in a hurry. The evolution of Iraq will either be Bush’s greatest achievement or greatest folly.
• Securing the borders... Okay... you've convinced me that terrorist are bad, that we need to fight the battle wherever it lies. Hello, but that includes our own borders, right? If you're willing to throw young American lives into the fray in the Middle East, why can't you have the political brass to secure the borders? Everyone knows its a problem. Illegal immigration is bad. It cost American citizens a LOT of money in health care costs, incarceration costs, etc. And what's to keep Osama Bin Bad Ass from crossing Mexico with a nuke in a backpack, ready to meet his 77 virgins? Right now, nothing. If the threat is real, it is real here even more so than across the pond. But, politicians in both parties are afraid of offending… who? The legal Latin American citizens who followed the laws? Or the illegals… oh wait, they can’t vote, can they?
  
• Reliance on Foreign Oil… Okay, you’ve convinced me that terrorists are bad and that they are mostly funded from oil profits in the Middle East… that and heroin production. So, why are we doing absolutely NOTHING toward getting off or our reliance of oil? The biggest mistake Bush made during his second presidential acceptance speech, in my opinion, was not making it a national priority to make clean car technology something to be completed in his last term. Much like Kennedy’s push for spaceflight, Bush could have made American ingenuity a cool, necessary thing. It could have been his greatest achievement. Instead, we’re looking to drill up in Alaska? That’s the long term solution? Ahhh… no, I don’t think so.
• Social Security… It’s still going to go belly up. I look at my paycheck every two weeks and am pissed that I’ve been forced to donate more of my money… that’s MY money, into a black hole. So, with the House, Senate and White House in control, this remains unresolved.
• Tax Reform… Taxes in this country are a mess. For every tax, there is a loophole on how NOT to pay them… so why have the tax? So that only the people who are savvy enough or can afford someone to find the loophole can take advantage of them? I strongly suggest the Fair Tax Plan. But, it makes way too much sense for anyone up in DC to put it into place.
• Fiscal Responsibility… The Bush administration is one of the biggest liberal spending groups ever to sit in the White House…. Entitlements are going through the roof. Maybe he needs to look up the whole smaller government part of the Republican charter… I think he forgot that part.

Unfortunately, I don’t see the Democrats doing anything about these issues either. As a matter of fact, I only hear them complain, I don’t hear them offering solutions. Hell, they're even blaming Hurricanes on this administration. Get a grip, donkys. Let's pull ourselves back into reality here.

When Newt and the boys/girls in the 90s offer the Contract with America, the current Republicans should have used that as a model for this last election. I would love for the Republican Party to publicly state:

• We will complete the Iraq transition with all of our forces to bear.
• We will revamp the Tax Code.
• We will fix Social Security.
• We will secure the US borders.
• We will remove our reliance on foreign oil.

I just want someone in DC to do SOMETHING! It’s called leadership. Isn’t that why they’re up there? Too make the tough choices for the benefit of their constituents? And aren't I one of them? Obviously, the current crop of elected officials are just looking out for themselves and their re-election.

That's nothing new... and that's the problem

My Life With Crohns So Far... Part 10

Having survived my first surgery, my next step was to retrain myself in a career with a future. It started with an incredibly awful job for a small tech company. Things got better with a job as a phone jockey working at a national long distance company. I worked third shift, so the hours were not great... neither was the pay. But the fact that I was working at all, providing for my family in some way, was a great relief... at least I was doing SOMETHING.

It was during this time that my health took another interesting turn. It started with an ice skating party my daughter attended. I went out on the ice with my daughter and assisted her with keeping her keester off the rink. The next day my ankles were swollen and sore. Since this was the first exercise I had participated in since my surgery, I thought I was just out of shape.

The ankles continued to be sore... slowly other joints in my body started to ache. A few weeks passed and I started to feel nauseous, worn down. I thought I had the flu. The flu was going around work, so that must be it. Then canker sores started appearing in my mouth... ah, it's not the flu, but a virus! Okay, I just have to ride it out.

My appetite dropped considerably as this "virus" was taking weeks to pass. Then a canker sore appeared on one of my eyes and I could no longer wear contacts. This was some virus! I started to lose weight, which I didn't mind because I had gained some unwanted pounds from the side effects of the medicine I took after my surgery. Cool, that's not so bad.

My joints hurt, I had 14 canker sores in my mouth, another one on my eye, my appetite was gone, I was nauseous most of the time, I was losing weight... writing all of these things down at once, it's pretty obvious this was not a virus. But, when it takes months for all of this occur, you don't equate one with the other. My wife started pleading with me to see the doctor. I refused. "It's not Crohns!" I said, "I've had it for 10 years, I know what it's like." And, on some level, I just couldn't mentally bear being sick again. So I entered another state of denial.

My weight continued to drop. I was getting weaker every day. At one point, I could not complete an eight hour day sitting at a desk answering a phone. I would go out to my car during lunch and take a nap, to get through the next four hours. After I'd get off work, I'd go right home and go to sleep.

Things deteriorated quickly after that until one Friday morning... I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize my reflection. I can't explain what that moment was like... you see yourself everyday, yet the person looking back at me wasn't me. It was eerie. My weight had dropped so much that I could see all of my bones. My face was gaunt... I looked like my brother Paul in high school. I knew I was in trouble.

I called Dr. Boyd's office and told them I needed to see him as soon as possible. The earliest opening was Monday morning... I had to wait almost 72 hours. Those 72 hours were terrifying. I spent the weekend in bed. I could feel my organs starting to shut down. I had no energy. I was scared. I was dying.

My wife drove me to the doctors office and, upon looking at my, Dr. Boyd said it was Crohns. I repeated my denial "I've had this for 10 years! I know what Crohns is and this isn't it." He handed me a book. "You can keep it," he said. He flipped open the book and said "Read this." The book was the Crohns and Ulcerative Colitis Handbook. The chapter was called Secondary Symptoms of Crohns. As I read the list, one by one, I checked them off. I got this, I got that, I have this too. I simply looked up, defeated. I should have listened to my wife months ago.

Dr. Boyd took some of my blood and put me on prednisone again, to get my appetite back. Every time you take prednisone, it’s kinda like being pregnant. You have urges for different foods each time you take it. One time it was Oreos. Another it was scrambled eggs. This time it was Cocoa Puffs.

Upon my return to the doctors office for my follow up, Dr. Boyd held my chart in his hands and looked at my wife and me, perplexed. He started, with his smooth Southern drawl, "You know, Pete, your blood work showed that your liver function response was extremely abnormal. It was so odd I had to look it up. The only literature I could find was an African study. You were so emaciated that your liver response was equal to starving children in Ethiopia."

My wife slugged my arm. "I told you to see the doctor! Listen to me next time!" she reiterated. She then turned to Dr. Boyd, "All he wants to eat is Cocoa Puffs. Shouldn't he be eating fruits and vegetables?" The doctor responded "He just needs calories. I don't care how. At this point, he just needs calories."

Ethiopian children... geez. I had almost starved myself to death. What else was this disease going to do to me? What other challenges was it going to throw my way? My faith remained strong, however. I continued to offer up my illness to God so that my suffering could be used for his greater good. But, just how much suffering did God expect me to take?

My weight eventually came back... most of it. My wife had always been pleased with the way God had created my derriere. During this last event, however, I not only lost fat, but muscle mass. Much to my wife's chagrin, my buttocks have never looked the same. This baby has no longer got back.

I slowly moved up the food chain at work and things were looking good... except the five year clock was ticking and another surgery was inevitable.

To be continued...

League Rules

I opened a bottle of cola today and it reminded me of a true moment of absurdity...

One hot, humid, sweltering day, as I entered Raymond James to attend a Bucs game, I am handed a plastic Buc license plate as a memento of the game. I walk up to the nose bleed area, where my seats are located and am sweating like a pig, using the license plate as a fan.

Before going to my seat located just two rows away from Lutz, I go to the concession stand and buy a vastly overpriced bottle of water. The attendant removes the cap and hands me the bottle. As I am about to walk up about two thousand flights of stairs to get to my seat and since I just paid a million dollars for the water, every spilled drop is worth about... well, a lot... so I asked for the cap.

"We're not allowed. League rules," the attendant said.

"The NFL has rules about water bottle caps?" I asked.

"Yeah. They're afraid they'll be used as projectiles," the attendant continued.

I hold up the full bottle of water... "as opposed to this?"

"Uhhh..." the attendant stammered.

I hold up the hard plastic license plate... "or this?"

"Sorry. League rules" he insisted.

"What if I bring a bottle cap from home?"

"Uhhh... I don't know."

We just stared at each other, the sweat from the bottled water dripping on my hand, evaporation now having cost me the price of a Hummer...

"So, can I have the bottle cap?"

"Sorry, league rules."

Monday Morning QB - 9/26

The Bucs went into Lambeau Field and won for the first time since 1989. Any win is a good win, but I feel we came out of that game fortunate. Even though our running game excelled, we were merely killing grass, as we did not score in the second half of the game. And Brian Griese's late interception should have cost us the game... first, if the defender didn't fall over his own player, he would have scored a touchdown and we lose the game. Secondly, if the defense didn't shut the Pack down, we lose the game.

A win is a win is a win, so I'll take it, no matter how ugly, but there is still room for improvement.

My prediction: Bucs 24, Packers 13

Score: Bucs 17, Packers 16

Griese needs to understand when to throw the frickin' ball away! The Bucs have the momentum and potentially the game in hand when he throws late to Pittman for an interception that, as I mentioned above, should have cost us the win. Last year, the Bucs were the team that missed an extra point and a field goal, that tripped over their own players on the way to the end zone, that couldn't run effectively and that lost at home... this game it was the Pack. It just goes to show you how these games are won and loss in the details, in the little plays that can change the eventual outcome of the game.

Offense: B. Cadillac runs into the record books, running for over 450 yards in his first three games. He's the first rookie to start his career with three consecutive 100 yard games. If he can stay healthy and bear the weight of running so much throughout the season, the Bucs will be in great shape. If Griese makes another late game boneheaded interception, he should be shot (not literally).

Defense: B. Another multi-turnover game for the Buc D. They were getting tired, as the Bucs O was unable to sustain drives in the second half, but made enough critical plays to win. They didn't seem to swarm to the ball, as in past games, but that may be more due to the Packers offense that to the Bucs D.

Special Teams: A. We hit all of our PATs and field goals, the Pack didn't, and therein lies the victory.

Coaching: B+. Running game was excellent. The passing game included almost every receiver. The defense shut down when necessary and Kiffin blitzed at the right times to cause disruption and sack Favre when needed.

Outstanding Players: Cadillac Williams for three weeks in a row. Will Allen subbing for an injured Jackson, intercepting two. The Offensive Line. Shelton Quarles.

Things That Drove Me Nuts: Griese's late game interception, of course. Its times like those that make me wish Brad Johnson would enter his body just for that one play, so he'd just throw the ball away!

Bucs Record: 3-0. I told my brother Stephen that I thought the Bucs would go 2-2 in the first four games Now they're 3-0? Sweet.

Next Opponent: The Detroit Lions come in after a bye week to Raymond James stadium. The Bucs defense should feed on a Lion passing game that has struggled behind Joey Harrington. Could the Bucs go 4-0? We'll see.

My Life With Crohns So Far... Part 9

At this point in my life, Crohns had almost killed me two times. I was working a low paying job and living with my in-laws. I was on the mend from my surgery and moving up the food chain at work.

During all of this time, I tried to be a good soldier for the Lord. Over the past few years of my marriage I've had to give up my career dreams, my chronic illness had debilitated me, I had to move into my in-laws and I could no longer provide for my family.

I had had enough.

One late night in February, sitting in my father-in-laws recliner, I had a come to Jesus meeting... literally. God has given us the emotion of anger, so I have never been shy with the Lord when things have displeased me. It takes a lot to get me angry, but when I'm angry, I express it. In my prayer I started yelling at God. "I've had it! I can't do this anymore! How much more do you want from me? You've taken almost everything from me! I don't have my dreams! I don't have my career! I don't have my health! I can't provide for my family! I'm all alone! I'm ashamed to look in my children's eyes! I'm an embarrassment for my wife! I have nothing! Nothing! And I'm tired of it!" The rant continued for an hour. I then went to bed.

The next morning, I told my wife that I yelled at God for an hour. She didn't think that was a good idea. I said "I told God that if things weren't better by the end of next month, we'd have problems." "What does that mean?" she asked. "I don't know. I've done everything He's asked me, but I can't take it anymore. If He loves me, respects me, He'll answer this prayer. If He doesn't... then..." I couldn't finish the sentence. I didn't want to verbalize what such a denial would mean to my lifelong faith.

Things improved quickly. Within the next few weeks we found a condo that was affordable to rent and, for all intents and purposes, was perfect. As we were signing the lease, I looked down and began to laugh to myself. "What is it?" my wife asked. "God just called me a fool" I replied. Next to my signature was the date... April 1st. April Fools Day. In a very subtle way, God both answered my prayers with a Yes and let me know I was foolish for giving Him an ultimatum.

I would never do it again... well, only one more time.

To be continued...

My Life With Crohns So Far... Part 8

When you face your own potential death, something changes in you. Beyond the greater appreciation of those areas of your life like family, friends and, of all things, health, something else also changes in you. I don't know how to phrase it, but life slows down a bit. Priorities change. You seem stronger and more vulenerable at the same time. You're just never the same again.

The first time Crohns tried to kill me, I wasn't prepared and in denial of the critical nature of my situation. But the second time, that was much harder. It took longer to develop and longer to overcome. I don't know how to say it other than to say that, in the end, you're just different.

By the time I had gotten out of the hospital I had lost my job at Channel 13. So, I was left, living with my in-laws, unemployed, recovering from surgery, without any real prospects working in the industry for which I was trained. Things were not looking good.

And there is something about being a man, about being a father, more than any societal or internal pressure... there is something instinctual about a man's role in the family. We are compelled to provide for the family, to hunt the bison, to feed the children. Spending that time with my in-laws was brutal on my psychology. Tatooing the word LOSER to my forehead would have only scratched the surface as to how I felt about myself.

During my years recovering and retraining myself in the computer industry, I was excessively lonely. Other than my parents, for some reason my family did not call me... not once. They never asked me out to dinner or a movie or just to hang out. They got all of their news on me from my parents and left me alone. For years. I have since talked to some of them about this and they said they didn't want to impose on my in-laws. But, it deeply effected my feelings about my family. If they aren't here for me now, then was my childhood all some sort of sick facade? It was devastating.

At one point, one of my older brothers called and I was very excited. Unfortunately, I later found out that reason for the call was because my wife had asked him to... she was worried I was going to commit suicide. That thought never crossed my mind, but apparently my behavior had her that worried. But the fact that, yet again, no one in my family took the time to talk to me... well, the scar cut pretty deep.

I don't remember much of my time with my in-laws. It was so personally painful that I have blocked most of it out as a defense mechanism. About the only thing I remember is the birth of my son. And a surprise 30th birthday party my wife threw me. Other than that, it's pretty sketchy.

As part of my retraining process, I got a job as a phone jockey at a major long distance phone carrier.

By this time, I had felt the symptoms of Crohns for almost 10 years. I knew just about anything there was that could happen when it comes to the disease... or so I thought.

It was at this point that Crohns tried to kill me for the third time.

To be continued...