Tailgate Golf

Okay, things have been pretty solemn around this blog lately... appropriately so. However, I take after my father and, as my saintly mother likes to tell me in her Bostonian accent, I like "baaathroom humah."

If you are easily offended, I suggest you move on, as the last thing I want to do is offend. Or, you can react like my wife and simply call me an idiot.

If you dare continue then let me say, as someone who's a sucker for physical comedy and enjoys a fart joke like an immature 10 year old, I offer to you the following item...

Tailgate Golf (aka: Sag 'Nads).


Sag 'Nads is a game in which you throw two golf balls tied to a string and try to have it wrap around one of the three cross bars. If you throw it on the top bar, its 2 pts. On the middle bar, its 1 pt, on the bottom bar, its 3 pts.


As we passed time up in NC this Christmas holiday we used Sag 'Nads to bring a much needed spark of "baaathroom humah" into an otherwise tense couple of weeks. As the golf balls wrapped around the crossbars, we couldn't help but name them and give them greater point values if certain elements fell into place.

For example:

A typical shot results in what was called the "Young Lad." No additional points here.


If your balls hung loosely around a crossbar, that's called the "Old Man." No point deduction or gain, but nothing to be proud of...


If you throw three "Old Men" that equals "The Lodge." Give yourself 2 extra points for consistency.

If two "Old Men" get wrapped around each other, that's called a "Turkish Prison." Again, not pretty, but worth 2 extra points.


If three "Old Men" get intertwined, you've reached the "Bath House." Uncomfortable to look at, but it gives you 5 extra points.


Now, if your balls are wrapped tightly, that's called a "Spitz." Give yourself an additional point.

If your balls are wrapped super-tight, that is what we call the "Louganis" and you can rack up an additional 2 points.

If you get three Spitz's or Louganis', then you have acquired a "Swim Team", so add 10 points to your total.


Now, if you miss the target completely, we called that a "Eunich." A "Eunich" = 0 points.

If you miss all three times, well, then you threw yourself "A Monestary." This means you're either really bad or fairly intoxicated. You must subtract 5 points.


Now, if you step too far back and hurl the balls high and far, you may have to endure the "Woody Woodpecker," where your balls get wrapped around a tree branch some fifty feet above your head. This will lead to frustration, angst and require 45 minutes of MacGyver-like skills to retrieve said balls. Avoid this at all cost. It's a buzz kill and a game-ender to be sure. Deduct 100 points.

So, there you have it. A little low brow humor to add some fun to a game that is actually quite enjoyable... Tailgate Golf.

Next time you're cookin' up some grub at the hind-end of your car or truck, kick off a game of Sag 'Nads. You'll have a good time.

But wear a cup.