Purification? Spiritual Realignment? I Wish I Knew

I've been doing a lot more thinking of suffering lately. Not because I've had to endure my own intense suffering, but I've had enough personal experience that the weight of suffering never quite leaves me. As you all know, I've been dealing with Crohns Disease since 1989. It's funny because, since I've had it for so many years, I can't really remember not having the disease. Sad, but true.

Most of my time with the disease has been unpleasant. When people ask me if I would want to go back and change any part of my life (other than my health), my first thought was "how bad was my Crohns then?" I've had to endure too much to really want to face it all again, so, I never long to go back and relive any part of my life. Its only since the advent of Remicade a few years ago that any sort of normality has come into play.

As I was in Mass Sunday, I felt a great sense of vulnerability for some reason. I don't really know why. My thoughts quickly traveled to the health issues facing both my father (Parkinson's) and my father-in-law (diabetes). Unless there is a miracle, I don't see their health getting substantially better between now and when the Lord finally calls them home.

So, why would God allow such pain, suffering, doubt, feelings of being a burden, feelings of helplessness? I was reminded of some of the things Mother Angelica said (I had just finished the book about her life and the creation of EWTN). One of Mother Angelica's takes on her numerous sufferings is that they are there to make her solely dependent on God.

That made sense to me.

Suffering strips away wants and goals and makes us live in the moment. If the suffering is hard enough or lasts long enough, you eventually succumb to the Lord. I know I did many years ago when my health was nearing the end of a constant three year decline. I was at a friend's daughter's first communion and I gave into the Lord, telling him of my fears and my frailty and just said "Whatever you want to do with me is fine." At that moment my fear of the disease, which had unknowingly consumed me, evaporated. Soon thereafter Remicade was made available.

So, perhaps so many people suffer during the last phase of their lives in order to prepare them for the next life... to remove everything but the Lord, to make us totally dependent on the Lord. In that way, if that is the end result, then such suffering is really a gift because, when we pass on, if the Lord is not our number one priority, then we are not focused in the right place.

Suffering is not easy. It is exhausting and humbling and can quickly eat away at your self worth. But, it does make everything else but God less important. And it does make you cherish all of the little things in life. The touch of your wife's hand. The comfort you feel when you look into her eyes. The heart trembling effect of the hug from one of your children.

Most of all it makes you realize how little control you have in your life. And, you turn to the only one with real control, God Almighty.

It also makes me think of the recent religious education one of the priests offered at our church. In speaking of purgatory he mentioned that it is there for purification. So few people (saints), when they die are purified enough to immediately stand in the presence of the Almighty. Purgatory is where our souls are purified so we can eventually stand in that presence.

Perhaps that is similar to human suffering here on earth. Perhaps it is there for purification, to realign our souls with God by taking away all of the things that we deem important and allowing us to focus on the only real thing that is important in the next life.

I don't know. I'm not the only one who has tried to understand suffering. But, every once and a while these thoughts do creep into my mind and make me wonder.

I keep asking questions, knowing that someday, perhaps after I've passed on, that I'll get the answers.