Goin' Out To Cally – Part 19, Bob Hope, Lil' Debbie And Restless Gods

As I lay in the tent next to a sleeping Sunday, across from an unconscious Tim and Beth, my feet about six inches above my head and my body sloped unnaturally down the unleveled ground, the image of Bob Hope suddenly popped into my head.

This was not a good thing.

Being the last of many kids, it was very rare to be left alone in the house. It was rarer that you would be left alone with a pantry full of unopened junk food. One weekend, as a teenager, my family went out for the evening. I was left alone to fend for myself, so, naturally, I plucked out the package of Lil’ Debbies and scarfed down eight oatmeal cakes in about three point two seconds.

Surprisingly… well, okay, maybe just to me at the time… shortly thereafter I began to feel ill. As my stomach churned uncontrollably within me I tried to distract myself by watching television. I flipped through the three broadcast stations, the one independent and the one public broadcasting channel available to me and settled on a Bob Hope comedy special being shown on NBC.

I really needed Bob Hope to be funny or else Debbie and her eight oatmeal friends were about to revisit the house. I kept saying, “C’mon, Bob, make me laugh!” but, alas, the laughs did not come. I quickly ran into the bathroom and, from that day forward, developed a long-term distinct displeasure for Lil’ Debbie oatmeal snacks.

In the tent I rose up quickly and muffled an acidic burp, containing a mix of steak soaked in barbeque sauce and hot fudge. Whenever your body blesses you with a gastric expulsion containing multiple meals, you know you’re in trouble. My mouth began to water, sweat quickly formed on my brow… I knew I was about to be sick.

I quickly unzipped the tent and gingerly made a b-line to the restrooms on the far side of the campground. In the quiet night with only the sound of a slight breeze rustling the trees above me, I passed our neighbor’s RV and scurried through a number of campgrounds. The nausea continued to build.

I could see the restrooms only a few yards away… I was almost there! Yet, without warning I found I could hold it no longer. I put one hand on the tree with the locked ten-speed bikes and, at the foot of the entrance to the micro-tent, the Golden Corral dinner and mom and pop ice cream shop desert expelled from my body with such a loud, uncontrollable sound that I could hear it echo off of Tucumcari Mountain in the once silent desert night.

I followed up the first with a second even louder, more vigorous display. It was so intense, I would not have been surprised if my spleen suddenly burst from my face.

Surely the bicyclists would awaken to find me standing over my present I had inadvertently left at their doorstep, so I ran into the restroom to finish this unholy task. I presented myself at the foot of the porcelain god, but it appeared my sacrifice had been completed outside.

I cleaned up and peered cautiously out of the bathroom. Surely my guttural, vocal display had awakened even Tocom and Kari from their eternal slumber, but the tents in the K.O.A. remained quiet, the lights remained off. Everything was… normal.

Just in case I returned to our tent via another path. I re-entered our portable canvas cave and delicately moved my pillow so the event would not repeat itself.

What had started out as a romantic, yet confusing night had turned into a disgustingly memorable one. I could only imagine what tomorrow would bring, as we ended our third day on our trip to Cally.

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Goin' Out To Cally - Part 19, (Text, Audio) Bob Hope, Lil’ Debbie And Restless Gods
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 18, (Text, Audio) Unlevel Headed
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 17, (Text, Audio) Starry Night, Confusing Night
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 16, (Text, Audio) Three Beds + Four People = Oh Crap
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 15, (Text, Audio) Masculinity At Stake
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 14, (Text, Audio) Texas: Latin For Shoot Me Now
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 13, (Text, Audio) Cars, Crossroads and Cosmic Convergence
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 12, (Text, Audio) Tumbleweed Dreams
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 11, (Text, Audio) Wet, Rinse, Repeat
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 10, (Text, Audio) Divine Misdirection
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 09, (Text, Audio) Getting Nowhere Fast
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 08, (Text, Audio) The Cock Crows Nine
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 07, (Text, Audio) Is Jackass A Sign?
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 06, (Text, Audio) Leftovers
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 05, (Text, Audio) The Kiss Of Friendship
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 04, (Text, Audio) Scholastic Intimacy
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 03, (Text, Audio) Space Invaders
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 02, (Text, Audio) The Fourth Wheel
Goin' Out To Cally - Part 01, (Text, Audio) The Seed Planted