And here's another skit I wrote during lunch, this one on the Separation of Church and State myth. These are fun to write.© 2007 Pete Bauer
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INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
CHEF DAVID hands out his guidelines to his wait
staff, including DANTE and JANE.
CHEF DAVID
Okay, so here are our new
guidelines. Look it over and let
me know if you have any questions.
DANTE
(scanning the guidelines)
So our two main condiments are
catsup and mustard?
CHEF DAVID
Yes. They're the cornerstone of
our menu. It's what makes our
restaurant so popular and so
strong.
DANTE
You say right here that people can
freely use mustard, but that we,
the wait staff, should not
establish the use of mustard as the
only condiment.
CHEF DAVID
Correct.
DANTE
Sounds simple.
CHEF DAVID
It is.
DANTE
But, sir, I had a customer in our
restaurant yesterday request we put
mustard on their hamburger.
CHEF DAVID
Okay.
DANTE
Well, you've stated here that there
is a clear separation between
catsup and mustard.
CHEF DAVID
No I didn't.
DANTE
Yes you did. By putting mustard on
our customer's hamburger, we are,
by default, establishing the use of
mustard, which you have expressly
stated we should not do.
CHEF DAVID
No we're not. Catsup and mustard
can coexist. If a customer wants
mustard on their hamburger in this
restaurant, it doesn't mean we are
establishing mustard as the only
condiment, we are merely allowing
our customers to freely exercise
their use of mustard on restaurant
property. There's a difference.
DANTE
No there isn't.
CHEF DAVID
Yes, there is. I wrote the
guidelines. I know what I
intended.
DANTE
No you don't.
CHEF DAVID
Yes, I do.
Another waiter, JANE, chimes in.
JANE
Excuse me, sir, as the
representative of American
Condiment Liberties Union I have to
agree with Dante. You clearly
intended that catsup and mustard
should never be combined.
CHEF DAVID
No I did not.
JANE
Yes you did. Your guidelines are
open to interpretation and the way
we interpret it is that there is a
clear separation between catsup and
mustard. Just ask the media.
They'll agree with us.
CHEF DAVID
No where in my guidelines are the
words "separation of catsup and
mustard" ever stated.
DANTE
But that's what you meant.
CHEF DAVID
No I didn't.
JANE
Yes you did.
CHEF DAVID
Look, I came from a restaurant
where the chef mandated mustard and
mustard only. So, what I'm saying
here is that if people want to use
mustard, they can. But, we won't
establish it as the only condiment.
JANE
Exactly. No mustard and catsup
together.
CHEF DAVID
That's not what I said.
DANTE
Yes it is.
CHEF DAVID
No it isn't.
JANE
We are okay with people requesting
relish, onions and even pickles.
But mustard is out. We will never
recognize the use of mustard.
CHEF DAVID
What?
DANTE
Agreed. If we allow customers to
use mustard on our food we are
establishing the use of mustard as
the only condiment and that would
offend the relish, onion and pickle
lovers.
CHEF DAVID
How would it do that?
JANE
And we must therefore never allow
mustard to be used or even
recognized by this restaurant.
CHEF DAVID
What?
JANE
If people want to use mustard in
the privacy of their own home,
that's okay, but any use of mustard
on restaurant property clearly
defies the mandated separation of
catsup and mustard and is therefore
prohibited. As a matter of fact,
if anyone even suggests using
mustard on restaurant property, we
should take them to court!
DANTE
Here here!
CHEF DAVID
Wait a minute! You've completely
misunderstood what I wrote.
Mustard is a good condiment. I was
raised in a family of mustard
lovers. This restaurant was
founded on the use of mustard. How
can you say that it should be
excluded from the restaurant?
JANE
Because that's what our lawyers say
you meant.
CHEF DAVID
But I only want to allow other
condiments to be recognized in our
restaurant, not to exclude mustard
from the restaurant as a whole.
Dante returns with a box of mustard packets.
DANTE
I'm getting these off restaurant
grounds. And any public
recognition of mustard must be
removed immediately.
JANE
Agreed.
Chef David hands Jane his hat.
JANE (CONT'D)
Where are you going?
CHEF DAVID
I don't know. But this isn't the
restaurant I founded. I don't even
recognize it anymore.
FADE OUT.
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1 comment:
Cool.
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